What if an injury could put you more in the flow and more in touch with your body?
Is that something you’d want, to feel more connected to your body?
A couple of months ago, if you’d asked me that question I would have faltered. I really didn’t know that I wanted to be more connected to my body. My body is the thing that feels great pain, when someone rejects me and “breaks my heart”. My body is the thing that gives me hunger pains, when I’m trying to eat less. My body is what keeps me from being as strong as I want, or from hiking when it’s hot.
But then a month ago, I found myself, day 3 of not being able to be upright for more than 30 seconds, and I felt a profound sense of gratitude for my body. Something I’d never felt before.
I knew in that moment, she was doing everything she could to heal, and I just needed to keep giving her the time to do it. More importantly I knew this being still was a gift.
I’d never thought of pain as a gift and may be at this time I only did because really, what other choice did I have? I’d been in immense pain for a week at this point, pain that caused me to scream at night, and I’d finally given in to the pain, rather than trying to override it. I finally listened to what the pain needed.
As someone who had been competing since I was 5, I’d been taught over and over again to ignore the pain, to push through it. Pain was my enemy. So I was really good at that. It has served me well in my 50 years.
Or had it?
Had I pushed myself to the point of no return? Did this time I make things much worse because I kept pushing through the pain?
Yes, that’s exactly what had happened. What started as some discomfort grew to the point where I was now, flat on the couch and unable to stand up.
And it was such a gift. I have a new love for my body. All I could do in those days was be fully in my body. I couldn’t take any pain meds, I couldn’t escape, all I could do was lie there and listen.
I became good friends with my body. And as hard as those days were, as intense as the pain was, I’ll forever treasure that time and the friendship I developed with my body.
The pain is a pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy (if I had any). And at the same time I got a gift from that time that I wish everyone who spends their life trying to escape pain could experience.
Like so many women, I was grossly violated as a child for years. And like so many that had that experience as a child, it led me to feel so much shame for my body. That it was her fault that that man did that to me. If she hadn’t looked that way, or if I hadn’t trusted him or…….a million different things that if only I had done something different. I felt my body betrayed me.
Now I know different. Now I know she has done nothing but serve me well.
Yes we ended up in a shitty situation. But it wasn’t my body or my fault.
It is my responsibility to pick myself up, and see all the beauty and good in my body and life.
To see that my letting that experience affect me decades later, is my choice. It’s my right to take my power back. The power I gave to Norm when I was 7. He didn’t deserve my power and my body didn’t deserve the blame.
So tell me. What or who have you given your power to? Are you ready to be responsible and take it back?
Your body is a beautiful gift. Listen to what she’s telling you right now.