Saturday nights in Hollywood… The night you kind-of should go out, because you bailed Friday night for a Seinfeld marathon with takeout using the excuse you were “exhausted” from work… but truth is, it wasn’t that you were tired but rather, what you were “tired of”. Tired of the hamster-wheel life you somehow promised yourself you would never get stuck on. Tired of treating words of those who don’t matter, as if they were the proper assessment of who you are. Tired of the misinterpretation of your intentions and being defined by your mistakes. As I sat there on the floor of my apartment trying to figure out which outfit wouldn’t reflect the rut I was in, I found myself thinking about when I was 19 and how I used to put on this red dress I had stolen from my mom’s closet and sneak into this jazz bar in Downtown San Francisco.
I’ve never been the girl who is afraid of being alone because I’ve never been truly lonely. However, now that I am in my later part of my 20s, my mother and I have the one-sided conversation of “when are you going to start a normal life,” at least once a week. I get it… it’s like my partner is supposed to have a resume and career that is so much more substantial and reliable like it’s an insurance plan for my aspirations, just in case this caterpillar doesn’t transform into a butterfly.
While some may label me as uninspired or jaded, I don’t think situations in my life have turned me into a Negative Nancy… Perhaps age hasn’t changed what I can handle but rather, what I can tolerate and with that, I started to wonder what I look for in a person and more importantly, what do I require of myself?
As we all try to figure out this thing called life, remember that what you foresee as the best plausible outcome is the result of your own life experience. Let life surprise you… and if you’re like me, sometimes finding yourself in a rut, on the floor, wondering if you should call that classmate who runs a start-up and just bought a house in a school district, remember as lovely as it is to have a safety net, the ones who rely on one, typically get tangled in it. Don’t get stuck and stop assuming you’re going to fall… and if you do, stop believing you won’t have the courage to get back up. Yesterday’s pain is not a reason to behave like an injured bird who can no longer fly and just like life has a way of surprising you, you may surprise yourself with a strength you never knew you had. You got this kid, fly!