Remove Italy, India and Bali and this is exactly how I have spent my time following my divorce, eating, praying and loving.
First, I ate. Post-divorce, I have gained 40 lbs., lost 40 lbs. and regained 30 lbs. Prior to my divorce being finalized, I was in a spin and didn’t eat much. Literally and figuratively. I was in overdrive, running on fumes. Once the weight of the pressure and stress was lifted off of me, I started eating and having fun. I love summer – sunshine and barbeques! Fast forward to the holidays and my pants were tight. That winter I started to reign in my eating, and I was losing the weight. I kept if off for a minute. Again, by fall my pants were tight. I refocused and lost some of the weight, but I am still not where I want to be.
Through these ups and downs, I have realized that however basic it seems, the majority of happy times in my life revolved around food and holidays. I am attached to those traditions in an attempt to find happy. With that realization I began to look at food differently. I’m trying to look at it as merely fuel and understand what it does to my body and for my body. I know the food I love to prepare and eat is not my friend. While I make healthier choices, I am still working on this one. I will probably be working on it the rest of my life.
In coming to terms with myself and my situation, I began to pray. Silently, audibly. To myself. When I was younger, I would brazenly say “I don’t believe in God, I believe in me.” That was a powerful statement to make. It wasn’t a knock-on religion and faith. Religion is something I was not raised with and I am admittedly, lacking in knowledge. I would still say I am unsure of God as the image has been created, but I believe in a higher power. At some point in my marriage, I stopped believing in me. I had to find my way back.
Through my own growth I realized that I needed a bit more to hold on to and guide me. I’ve needed to believe in that higher power to find strength and trust that everything is going to be ok. I have realized the universe has a funny way about it. I still don’t know what to make of all of it but I’m still here. Through this I have learned to slow down and pay attention to what’s happening around me. To look for the positive. Our thoughts are what we make them. We can choose to believe the bad or the good. I choose good. Always.
Soon I started to love again. I started to love myself. To me that meant forgiveness. Forgiving myself for what I viewed as the gravest mistakes of my life. It took me awhile. For months I’d ask myself why. Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? I could never come up with the actual answer. I will never fully understand why but I do understand how, and this is where I have learned forgiveness. I forgive myself for the mistakes I made beginning to end.
What did I learn?
I learned that part of moving on is owning your contributions to the situation. It might be painful at times. Who am I kidding? It IS painful at times. You have to feel the pain and walk through it to understand and get to the other side. My grandmother was always quick to remind me “it takes two to tango”. It is true. No one is ever truely innocent because it takes two to have a disagreement, a good marriage, a happy life or a bad marriage.
I have ownership in my own circumstances and I’m living my life, by my design.
I choose to be happy every day.