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What does a mental breakdown look like whilst you’re having it?

I’ll tell you because I had one this morning...

I didn’t know it was a breakdown at the time, I mean I can’t even tell you if it was a breakdown as defined by the mental health care profession now, after all, what is a breakdown anyway? Who says if your breakdown and my breakdown could ever be classified as the same thing? They can’t, can they? 

What I do know is, I had a thought and everything in my world changed in an instant. My reality went from one place to a substantially different other, with one thought, one insight – a sight from within. 

Which is why my breakdown and anyone else’s breakdown cannot be the same unless we have the same insight. Which would also mean we would have to be in the same situation with the same history and the same thinking. Impossible then. 

If you thought an insight was supposed to be a ‘good thing’, then think again. Who said it had to be good? An insight is a thought which needs no explanation and no questioning. This one showed me something terrifying. But something profoundly true. I don’t love myself. Heck, I don’t even like myself. I don’t think I ever have done. 

The narcissistic, self-important pr*ck who wants to change the world from the inside out, needs to start a bit closer to home first. I mean I had an inkling of that, I’ve even been told it a few times, but this time I knew it for myself, which is completely different. I’ve been hiding behind helping others, so I didn’t have to go inside and do the work. Always have been a lazy sh*t. 

Phew, what a relief. 

What a f*cking huge relief not to have to hold that burden any longer. That’s why I ‘broke down’. That’s what breaking down actually means… to me… to die so as to be reborn. 

Finally, thank God. 

And now, how does it feel to see this truth? How does it look from the point of view of someone who has had experience of how thought works? It looks ‘normal’. It looks like death – and freedom, at the same time. It looks like I need to rest, to take a break and to look after myself. It looks like I might be down and out for a while, doing what the seasons do, in ‘fall’. It looks like I might have to function at a lower level for a bit. 

I’m alright and I’ll be OK… just breaking down some of the internal barriers required to rise again. And in case you’re wondering, yes I’m writing this so it may help others who may be experiencing sometimes similar. The narcissistic pr*ck hasn’t died completely yet then.

Peace out for a while. 

Comms off. 

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People look for retreats for themselves, in the country, by the coast, or in the hills . . . There is nowhere that a person can find a more peaceful and trouble-free retreat than in his own mind. . . . So constantly give yourself this retreat, and renew yourself.

- MARCUS AURELIUS

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