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Weakness

I am not naturally strong or quick, and I am certainly not the smartest person around I had to learn those things to survive. I have many many weaknesses I get emotional over stupid things I don’t sleep enough I don’t stick to any routine I procrastinate and waste time I start but not follow […]

I am not naturally strong or quick,

and I am certainly not the smartest person around

I had to learn those things to survive.

I have many many weaknesses

I get emotional over stupid things

I don’t sleep enough

I don’t stick to any routine

I procrastinate and waste time

I start but not follow through

I have difficulty asking for help, but expecting it- nonetheless

I loose temper and patience

I play the victim and feel sorry for myself

I take the low road when convenient

I say mean things that I don’t mean

I hold back strong emotions till they burst out

I care too much about meaningless things and not

Enough about the important things

I am afraid of losing people and being alone

I express fear as anger – and anger as cold resentment 

I take pride in being Alice in wonderland

and sometimes refuse to grow up

I put people on pedestal and not qualities

I get disappointed in myself quickly

My ego is too big and my mind too small

Often trapped inside itself

But – I don’t accept, that I am what I am 

and that I am doomed to be all this only

No.

I cannot accept this version of me.

I’m fighting – I am always fighting.

I struggle and I am scrapping

and kicking and clawing at those weaknesses

To change them.

To change me

To stop them

To not let them get the better of me

To be free

Some days I win. 

But many days I lose the battle

And lie bruised and bleeding and empty and lost

and grieve at the heavy cost.

But, after the dust and blood settles

And through the tears that have washed the blood away

I can see in the distant horizon –  

the hazy image of the person I can be someday

A person certainly better than me today

This give me meaning. As I rewrite my vows to me 

And that gives me new hope and energy to get back up

Own my shit and take responsibility, 

love myself a little more – again.

And I move forward.

With my fists clenched and tight,

head a little lower in humility -not shame

and heart bruised open yet  tender

Towards the battle – toward the struggles –

Towards freedom.

From the shackles of my mind

To take small steps with big determination

To strive to be just a little bit better today

Than I was yesterday.

Everyday I try to grow

Because that is all I know.

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