I am not naturally strong or quick,
and I am certainly not the smartest person around
I had to learn those things to survive.
I have many many weaknesses
I get emotional over stupid things
I don’t sleep enough
I don’t stick to any routine
I procrastinate and waste time
I start but not follow through
I have difficulty asking for help, but expecting it- nonetheless
I loose temper and patience
I play the victim and feel sorry for myself
I take the low road when convenient
I say mean things that I don’t mean
I hold back strong emotions till they burst out
I care too much about meaningless things and not
Enough about the important things
I am afraid of losing people and being alone
I express fear as anger – and anger as cold resentment
I take pride in being Alice in wonderland
and sometimes refuse to grow up
I put people on pedestal and not qualities
I get disappointed in myself quickly
My ego is too big and my mind too small
Often trapped inside itself
But – I don’t accept, that I am what I am
and that I am doomed to be all this only
I cannot accept this version of me.
I’m fighting – I am always fighting.
I struggle and I am scrapping
and kicking and clawing at those weaknesses
To change them.
To change me
To stop them
To not let them get the better of me
To be free
Some days I win.
But many days I lose the battle
And lie bruised and bleeding and empty and lost
and grieve at the heavy cost.
But, after the dust and blood settles
And through the tears that have washed the blood away
I can see in the distant horizon –
the hazy image of the person I can be someday
A person certainly better than me today
This give me meaning. As I rewrite my vows to me
And that gives me new hope and energy to get back up
Own my shit and take responsibility,
love myself a little more – again.
And I move forward.
With my fists clenched and tight,
head a little lower in humility -not shame
and heart bruised open yet tender
Towards the battle – toward the struggles –
From the shackles of my mind
To take small steps with big determination
To strive to be just a little bit better today
Than I was yesterday.
Everyday I try to grow
Because that is all I know.