//

We weren’t done, but I had to let him go anyway

I had no other choice actually.


I sat near the lake and cried my eyes out, because someone I cared deeply about was leaving the next day.

I kept asking myself why it was happening to me. Why did I let myself feel again, why did I fall for him, why did I feel like I was being stabbed in the heart again and again?

I wanted to scream across the lake, I wanted to die and be reborn a bird and fly away from him, so he wouldn’t fly away from me. I wanted to hate him so much and I couldn’t.

I never thought it would end like this, I never thought it would end. Because I thought I’d found someone I wanted to be forever with. He felt like home and adventure at the same time.

I had everything I ever wanted and it was taken away from me.

I spent days and nights crying in my pillow. I cried at work, I cried at school, I cried in the middle of the day for no apparent reason, for a stranger, for a colleague. But for me, it was a heartbreak like no other. Because this one was different.

However I try to forget all the unexpected kisses and staring across the room as he walks around wearing glasses he hates, however I delude myself I could forget Tarantino nights with Spanish subtitles, however I try not to think about him in my life while looking at the framed photo of us on my windowsill, I can’t.

Sometimes life takes away people too early.

Before we can say a proper good-bye or before we are done with them, before we are ready to toss them away as an unnecessary thing.

Sometimes there’s a purpose in it, there usually is, but when one’s heart is breaking and being dragged around different countries, being pulled apart and sewn together, when that happens, one sees no purpose and has no strength to endure anymore.

But all I wanted was to kiss his full lips, go play mini-golf again, stay up all night and watch re-runs of “The Game of Thrones”, fly out to his country for the first time ever and meet his dog.

I wanted to smack him and yell and get angry, which I never really had the reason to do, because he was as sweet and as close to perfect as it gets.

I wanted a lifetime of cheesy phrases and stupid jokes; I wanted his light mood and weird humor to surround me everyday till the rest of my life.

I wanted vacations all over the world, I wanted little people running around us, I wanted a little him and a little me, I wanted the world to be ours.

And it was, for a short period of time, it was ours. We had a little bubble all to ourselves.

On the peak of my happiness, fate had to interrupt us and make me wish I never met him, make me wish I never knew how it was to be treated like that, make me wish I never let him into my heart and soul.

But I’m not done with him, — I howled as his train left the station

I’m not done correcting his English; I’m not done learning new things and discovering new places with him.

I am not done messing with him and teasing him, I’m not done hugging him.

What is happening? — I asked God, but the answer never came.

I wasn’t done loving him. Because I had just started.

I knew I had to let him go even if I wasn’t ready, even if my heart was still his.

Besides, you’re never ready to say good-bye to the people you love.

Originally published at medium.com

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