Waking up to love…How to know when you are self-sabotaging your happiness.

Identifying patterns, breaking habits, and transforming the belief system so you can have more of what you desire and deserve.

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Sensitivity levels are high. I said it was due to the cosmos, covid, and pms’ing. But I forgot to mention I too am going through a personal transformation. One that is allowing me to honor and embrace my past pain and let it go in order to create space for what is to come.

I have been practicing for over a decade but most recently began to use “The More Method”, an emotional intelligence methodology to help you get more of everything you want out of life by mastering your beliefs and physiological state and understanding the power of perspective, so you can elevate your relationships, and expand your own potential. 

It starts with our shadow – everything we can’t see in ourselves. It’s a form of self-examination where we are forced to face our fears and identify the defining moment that created an identity that isn’t real. Usually between the ages of 4 to 7 is when this “truth” about our selves is formed due to a traumatic experience. We carry it throughout our lives and it limits us. 

It is the belief that we/I/you are (fill in the blank) or are not (fill in the blank) based on the trauma and our outer conditioning from our parents, culture, community, society, schooling, religious backgrounds, etc.

These conditions form habits that repeat in predictable ways, which can often be difficult to give up. While our behavior becomes the reaction of our system on the impulses from the circumstances around us we tend to continuously react to situations from something that has triggered a trauma. Stay with me. It gets better. 

In my case, it has been about being enough that has shown up for me time and time again in my relationships. It’s what has kept me from having healthy ones that I “know” I deserve. Let me repeat that. My patterns have been based on a trauma that developed a belief system when I was a child that “I am not enough”; therefore going into relationships that are not healthy knowing I deserve more but not feeling worthy of it. This understanding was what opened my eyes to see that it had nothing to do with anyone and everything to do with the relationship with myself.

I unconsciously chose experiences that were safe by going into familiar territories that gave me the same result because it was easy and I didn’t have to put any real work in. Although painful it was comfortable and I was happy to do that then to be open to the unknown possibilities of something healthy if I just faced my fears and dealt with them.

I had attempted a few times to break this habit but every time I got out of my comfort zone it would alarm my EGO sending my body into a frenzy where I would break out or begin to hyperventilate.

I found that in all my years of studying myself and doing personal development that I had to lean in if I truly wanted a new outcome.  

At first, I focused on being a better version of myself through my surface success beginning with my physical appearance, career, my travels, accolades, my network, my clothes, etc. This was all part of my “being good enough” work. I thought “I deserve to make more money, I deserve to travel to those places, I deserve to buy that for myself, and I deserve to be in those circles”

“Yes, that’s gonna make it all feel better because I deserve this” right?

But guess what? It didn’t matter where I went or how far I was because there I WAS, the same insecurities, complexes, fears, low self-esteem, and lack of belonging. Don’t get me wrong I made great friends and had beautiful experiences along the way but much like me those I met were seeking something outside of themselves and in most cases filling them with addictions whether drinking, drugging, eating, training, learning need I say more?

Now, while I do believe that the path to self-discovery is a journey and not a destination and how important it is to get better in different areas of your life I found that those areas would continue to suffer if you do not do the inner work. And it starts and ends with you.

You must first be willing to seek within yourself where the pain point is and how that shows up in different areas of your life and where it’s keeping you from what you truly desire and deserve. This for me has taken years of work and painful experiences hurting people I care about including myself. I had been operating from that wounded child and could never see it.

My reasoning was pretty ridiculous and immature. I would make people liars when they were telling me the truth and deny what I was doing when confronted to make them wrong and myself right. I needed to blame someone and it wasn’t going to be me. I created stories around what it was and had expectations of how others should show up constantly disappointed based on needs I never expressed because everyone is a mind reader right?

This behavior got old and boring. No more drama, self-loathing, and disappointments I once hoped for. I began to get pushed into corners I could no longer hide from or point fingers too because I was the only one standing there. The time had come to face myself admitting where I failed, and asking myself why? What are you so scared of? Can’t you see yourself? Don’t you think you deserve to be happy? I had to tell myself the truth. The answer was “No” I didn’t think I deserved it. I sobbed. I couldn’t believe I said it out loud. I was so scared to love myself because I didn’t know-how. I woke up to how I was mistreating myself. That hurt. I sobbed some more. My younger self was screaming for attention. She needed it the most. She wanted to heal. I had bottled up so much and become so rebellious until I realized what got me this far was the one thing holding back.

You see it didn’t matter how many times someone told me how great, loved, beautiful I was. I needed to know that for me. Be that for me. So by the grace of GOD, I got that opportunity. I got to go into dark places so I could grow. I got to learn why I behave the way I do. And I got to do that by myself. The one person I needed to love the most. Me.

I hope this message reaches you. Because I know there is someone who needs to read it.

10 Tips to transforming yourself for a new healthy and positive outcome

  1. Be honest with yourself. Is there room to grow? If the answer is yes then congratulations. Some don’t ever admit they have anything to work on or worse not even aware.
  2. Are you aware of how you are showing up in life? Meaning
    1. Are you Controlling? Selfish? Playing the victim? Always right? Know everything? Do things always have to be your way? Do you listen to someone else’s needs other than your own?
  3. How do you act to things when you get upset? Are you responsive or reactive?
    1. Ask yourself if the current situation is about the situation itself? Or is it triggering this belief you have about yourself?
  4. Pause- take a step back. Assess.
    1. Ask yourself – “Is this really happening? Or am I making this up?
  5. Identify the pain point.
    1. What it is and where it comes from?
  6. Be vocal and vulnerable about where you are coming from.
    1. “I am feeling triggered right now and although it is not your fault I am working on it and need some time to process”
  1. Be accountable. It’s your shit. So you have to own it. Even the ugly parts.
  2. Once you have identified the trigger “belief” go back to where it all started and remind yourself that this is your story. Not your truth or the truth.  

*Yes, it happened but that doesn’t mean the meaning you gave it is the truth.

  • Be patient with yourself. This is work. It won’t happen overnight.
  1. And most importantly forgive yourself. You didn’t know what you didn’t know.

Disclaimer: it will take some work and will require you to dig deep. It’s painful. It’s uncomfortable. But it’s worth it.

The More Method was created by my dear friend and mentor Jen Groover International Peak Performance Speaker ranging in topics around Human Potential, Emotional Intelligence to Energy Management, Entrepreneurship, Branding, Leadership, Maximized Sales and Women’s Empowerment.

The methodology teaches the inter-connectivity of psychology, emotional intelligence, nutrition, physiology, neuroscience, philosophy, quantum, physics, metaphysics, and Buddhism.

To learn more reach out to me at [email protected]

#emotionalintelligence #shadowwork #selflove #selfsabotage #healing #consciousliving #selfvalue #trauma #truelove

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