TRYING TO BE THE ONE.

I entered high school, which was the most fascinating thing I thought would be in my future as a kid. Never did I know that the load of studies would drain me both mentally and physically. Working hard was the new me during this phase of life. Having a family that just told me to […]

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I entered high school, which was the most fascinating thing I thought would be in my future as a kid. Never did I know that the load of studies would drain me both mentally and physically. Working hard was the new me during this phase of life. Having a family that just told me to focus on my studies. I had a hard time mixing up with the crowd. By crowd I meant the majority. Sitting in the class and looking out of the window I could see all my friends playing and having fun. The thoughts of why do I not get enough marks even after studying so much kept revolving in my tiny brain. This incident sooner or later came to an end. I decided to merge in the group that I always wanted to get in. The exposure was absolutely different than the actual me. Following the line “be a Roman in Rome”. I ended up changing my behavioural traits to be socially accepted. Not realising that I was losing the real me. I went with the flow so much that other than studies I got involved in every other activity. Undoubtedly, my marks graph went steep down and faced a lot of anxiety by the end of the year. I was subjected to face a lot of questions by the family, relatives as well as the group I so wanted be a part of. Standing all alone yet again, I was unable to answer even a single question. I soon went into that phase of life where I started questioning my existence. I was in depression when I did not know what depression is. The only thing my parents wanted me to do, was to study and I could not meet their expectations. Considering the fact that I never attended lectures, it was pretty obvious that school time never meant education for me. But all the statements were like French for my parents. The question that was a constant in my mom’s mind was what does she do in school?

For a girl who never came out of Disney had to act like she understood Marvel. The journey from sitting in a corner of the classroom and eating her lunchbox to going to the canteen in huge groups to eat spring rolls changed her childhood. Her entire schooling, she was living in the misconception of the ideal human. Always wanting to be like the best was the top priority in her wish list. Never did she know that she had to work on herself to be the best. Keeping the toppers as her ideals she ended up walking, talking and being like them. It reached to such an extent that she changed her handwriting thinking that she may turn like them. Being noticed and accepted was the only urge she was living in.

Hitting my 11th grade, I finally realised that I did mess up my life. It was not late, as it is said it is never too late. But the damage was done. For me it was hard to get out of this mess as each time I took one step ahead, I fell ten steps back. The only way to get out was to change the environment. I changed my school and started all over again. The next two years I found a decent group of friends. I preferred staying in an environment that did not distract me. With time I realised what is good and bad for me. Clearing my board exams with decent marks. I even cleared all the entrance exams of all the top colleges which the so-called toppers wanted to get in but never did so.

A young girl who wanted to be socially accepted finally realised, that to be the best she has to be her own self. The change happened only after I started believing in myself. Now when I look down upon the past years, I feel strong, proud and most importantly happy. To be part of a group, one should never change themselves. If they have to, the group is not worth enough to stay. In the process of growing, one should never loose their own self. Live, love and laugh. Most importantly be you.

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