Who do you trust? Have you ever really thought about this question? It has come up for me because I ran across an old email that I had sent to my acupuncturist back when I was trying to conceive.
I was letting her know that I was on board with the new treatment plan she had recommended for me. The last couple of sentences in this email was “Thanks for all of your support during this whole process. I am not sure how I would be holding up without the support that all of your staff provides.” As I read these words from years ago, I could feel the desperation behind them.
I had put ALL OF MY TRUST in her and EVERYTHING she recommended. I had stopped listening to myself, to my inner knowing. I simply went along with whatever she suggested. At the time I believed everything she said and it was great . . . for a while. I mean who hasn’t wished someone would just tell them what to do, especially during the difficult times. I worked with this woman for over three years.
I can recall how upset I was with myself when I realized that I had put all my trust in her. I immediately blamed her. In my mind, it was her fault for telling me exactly what I wanted to hear, for giving me hope, for recommending one thing after another. I know I was not being rational at this time. I know that it was not all her fault. I know that I didn’t have to do everything she recommended, but at the time I met her I was in a very vulnerable place. I had recently experienced a miscarriage and was losing trust in myself and my body. It was easier to trust someone else. It was a gradual, unconscious thing that happened.
That experience taught me a very valuable lesson – Trust no one. I know, I know. I swung a little too far in the opposite direction. For years after this experience of putting my trust into one person, I felt like I couldn’t fully trust anyone. I shifted into being skeptical, defensive of people’s intentions, recommendations, etc. I feel like this was also a gradual, unconscious thing that happened in my life.
It wasn’t until I started down my healing path after my fertility struggle that I realized I had swung too far in the opposite direction of not trusting. When I think about these swings I experienced, I picture a pendulum and the extreme positions they can swing to, but as the swinging slows down the pendulum can find its middle, its equilibrium.
What I have learned about trust is that it is a very personal thing. It is about finding my equilibrium, that middle area of the pendulum. It is a combination of listening to my inner knowing, my intuition, to other people’s opinions and thoughts, and at times it is about doing my research and learning about my options.
When I find myself swinging to an extreme I tune inward to meditate and journal. I believe that ultimately the answers lie within me. There is something greater than me that is guiding me. I just have to listen. For me, it is God, Angels, guides, but it can also be a higher power, the universe, scientific research, whatever your beliefs are. There is no right or wrong, good or bad. The important thing is that it feels good to you, that it helps you, that it brings you back to your equilibrium.
That is where I feel my best, in that place of equilibrium, where I am not putting all of my trust in one person and where I am not trusting anyone. To me, this a more conscious way of living and being. Living a more conscious life is something I am always striving for. It is having faith and trust that all will be well, that I am not alone, that I don’t have to live in struggle.
“Think for yourself. Trust your own intuition. Another’s mind isn’t walking your journey, you are.” Scottie Waves