There are days I curse being “awaken”. On those days, I say to myself “I wish I did not know”. In those not-long-lasting moments, I am convinced that swimming in collective blindness would have been much simpler. Unawareness keeps me in a slender tunnel and snuggles me to safety of its walls. The road is straightforward. Distinct reality of lies becomes the truth, evil becomes good and only because it is being acclaimed by majority. It merely requires followership and endorsement of contracts written by others without inward questioning or self-reflection.
Consciousness, on the other hand, carries a lot of responsibility and demands accountability — predominantly for self. It throws us into unpredictability so distant from our default mode — safety and obviousness. It requires constant choice. It makes us face circumstances beyond our control, paradoxically taking us to places where we have no choice. It tests our resilience to own judgments when we simply cannot know yet if the changes we are making are good or bad. It suspends us between the worst disaster and significant breakthroughs. It puts us out of our comfort zone and well-established patters and dynamics. Consciousness greatest encounter comes with realization that there is no way back and only path forward. Although resistance and ignorance creeps in, it is short-lived as another significant revolution sweeps us away rapidly and unexpectedly. It is unplanned and uncontrollable, nevertheless offers a brilliant opportunity for transformation. Our inner life resembles a pressure-cooker. It is hard to conquer it and we learn the difference between knowledge and awareness, information and self-examination. Knowing — delivers facts while mindfulness questions them. Total awareness puts facts to the test and scrutinizes their validity. Knowing the truth is not the same as living the truth. Only when we get to feel the burning pain of our own being and taste enough of our own tears — we make the leap over to the next junction.
While truth eventually sets us free, the path to freedom leads through desolation, discomfort and hopelessness. The more awakening we experience, the more we expose ourselves to the unwanted emotions as we confront our own beliefs and truths, test relationships and see the collapsing walls of what we used to call home. Newborn sensitivity declares the war against indifference. Desire to isolate and escape from uncomfortableness of rejection to an urge to be of inspiration and ignite the shift/movement.
Becoming aware resembles getting sober. Firstly, the wave of the withdraw hits you. You tremble and shake from disbelief. You crave familiarity. Once you withstand this sensation, the deafness and blindness both vanish — bitterness, cynicism and hypocrisy all become painfully visible. You witness the words of lies and fake intentionality, destruction and manipulation of those less conscious. Secondly, you push yourself towards nihilism — disintegrating and disassociating from shared reality. You abandon universal values and rules as you realize they represent a trap and — in reality — barely exist. You search for meaning other than the one associated with once known self-identity. You pray for stillness hoping to stop the ever-so-present mind’s chatter. Being left with only a vague memory of feeling good, you become an object of mass criticism. You are being judged for the very things others disapprove in themselves. You know that — they don’t — as this inconvenient truth is hard to swallow. It is so much easier to point the finger and painlessly take away attention from one’s mere existence rather than face it. You grasp omnipresent collective suffering. You sense it yet you cannot change it. You also know it is truly self-imposed. Blissful ignorance was once a blessing. Today, living on an auto-pilot means death by choice.
Today hurts. Tomorrow will ache more. It is a lonely planet when you are awakened and others are still asleep. It is a lonely journey during which you fight your own doubts, hesitations and fears. You are your worst enemy and the best ally at the same time. As you transcend so does your pain. Your greatest teacher and a loyal friend. Your perception evolves. You signify possibilities of opposites to unite. You accept differences as the contribution to higher evolution. You invite people from divergent paths to weld their destinies together. As the touching currents enlarge each other, a new powerful entity can be formed. As inner wisdom reflects the broader perspective and influence the fullness of our being, it also emphasizes how many talents and gifts can be integrated. There is enough regard and approval to heal the hearts of all human beings involved. Perseverance delivers priceless training in how to follow the heart.
Originally published at medium.com