I am finally able to breathe again.
For four years, my breathing was labored and shallow and uncertain. Today, it is hopeful and renewed.
I am not as angry as I once was.
I very much wish that I could say the anger is gone completely but it is going to take time. You burrowed yourself beneath my cells and my memories. That is not something that is easily conquered with forgiveness or healing.
I am going to be okay, though. For the first time since we connected, I know this to be true. I am going to be okay. I am okay.
I can not say the same about you.
For the rest of my time on this earth, I will know certain things to be true about you.
That you deceived me.
That you are an adulterer.
And that you loved me.
In your own messed up, dysfunctional way you really did love me.
Still, you manipulated me into staying, only to remain married and to make me into someone I never would have chosen to be.
This does not mean I am a victim. I am responsible for many wrongs but falling in love with a married man is not one of them.
The adultery is on you.
The fact that you are still married is on you.
That is what I struggle with most. The fact that you deceived me and took away four years from my son’s childhood, when he could have someone permanent in his life.
I do not believe that God makes mistakes, though.
There is a reason we were brought into one another’s lives.
I would like to be selfish and think that I have some great takeaway from our time together, but I honestly do not. Perhaps that will change in time and lessons will be revealed to me.
For now, it is truly my belief that I was a sacrifice.
God knew that I was strong enough to survive you. He knew that I could say goodbye to you. He knew that I could stand up to you and expose you for the fraudulent life you have led.
You have never faced any real repercussions.
Your entire adult life you have been allowed to mistreat women. To impregnate them and cheat on them and use them as your excuse to not be a better man.
Well, if I were only in your life to serve as a consequence, then I accept that role.
I am your consequence.
You love me but you lied to me and you made me into an adulterer.
You never gave us a real chance. You never redeemed us. You never salvaged the perception of me as the other woman.
Instead, unbeknownst to me, you kept me in that box. You dishonored me. You betrayed me. You lessened and changed who I might have been.
But I forgive you.
I can only hope that in some way, I made you better. That in some way I made you see yourself. That in some way the people in your life will benefit from the lessons you learned with me.
Just know that because of who you have continued to be, I will never get off of a plane for you. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not twenty years from now.
I will never get off of a plane for you.
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Originally published at melodyalderman.com