To Stay or Go in a Relationship?
How do I Decide?
As a Divorce & Narcissistic Recovery Coach, this sentence would have to be my number one most frequently asked question, and one which is repeated constantly throughout December and January, when we all tend to reflect on our lives. My repeated responses, is always the same.
‘This is NOT MY decision to be making.
This is YOUR life we are talking about.
That would be arrogant, presumptuous and simply wrong.’
However, what I can do as a Divorce Coach is guide you in making the most logical decision possible.
‘This question does not deserve a Black and White response. It should be looked at and thought from totally outside the normal box of life, as that’s how love works.
As Rumi tells us
‘Everything You Want
You Already Are.’
There are many different scenarios, and causes that has pushed you to arrive at such a crossroad in your relationship and life? This decision is such a monumental decision, as this decision affects a truly fundamental part of our lives. ‘Where do I live?’ This decision drills down to the basics of our fundamentals of existence.
While you are trying to arrive at your decision, your mind is going around in circles swirling with many questions, such as: –
· If I leave my partner where will I live?
· Who will the children live with?
· Will I have access to see the children frequently?
· Will I be alone forever?
· Is my decision hasty?
· How will I survive financially?
If you feel you are in physical or mental danger, get out NOW. If you feel you can’t talk to anybody about what is truthfully going on in your marriage due to embarrassment, FORGET that thought. If you are in an abusive relationship, get out NOW! Reach out to a friend, family member or neighbour. Anybody that you trust, to get you out of that situation NOW!
If your relationship is purely an unhappy one, I begin with the following:
STOP & BREATHE.
My first sound piece of advice is to Remove your emotions from this decision, as much as you humanly can in your present state.
Once you have calmed down, pour yourself your favoured tea and find a relaxing spot with a notebook and pen.
Answering the following honestly? Seeing your answers in black and white can help guide you in the right pathway forward. Getting all the noise out of our head, on what is going on, will not only calm your thoughts, but give you strength to move forward with your life.
Should I Stay or Go. How have I arrived at this point?
1. Are your thoughts a series of stressful situations that nobody is to blame, such as money worries, illness, extreme tiredness due to fatigue due to child rearing/working/life?
2. Have you spoken to your partner about your feelings? If not, what is holding you back?
3. If you have not discussed your unhappiness with your partner, please don’t make a hasty decision, as a good, honest and respectful relationship deserves at least the chance to have a discussion.
4. Relationship/Marriage Therapy. I am not a marriage counsellor or therapist, but I frequently advise clients who present to me with the idea they desperately want a divorce, but after I hear their story, I advise them to have marriage counselling first. For some this saves their marriage, and for some it confirms that separation and divorce is the right pathway forward. What this does do, is reinforce to them that they are doing everything possible to try and make the most sensible decision for themselves and their family.
5. Do you feel you could be exaggerated your feelings due to simple exhaustion after another tough year of life?
6. Has the event that tipped you over the edge in your thinking to want to seriously leave the marriage, been exaggerated in your mind, or has this been the last in a long-line of events that should not occur within a marriage?
7. Have you been accepting bad behaviour from your partner for too long, i.e. infidelity, financial control?
8. Do you feel your partner’s behaviour is extremely disrespectful and bordering on abuse and Do you have respect for your partner, and does your partner have respect for you?
9. Is your relationship the exact opposite to how it began and you can’t remember the last time your partner was kind, considerate and thoughtful of you?
10. Is this a very overdue decision, that you have debated for many years in your head, in your heart and taken many steps try and resolve.
It’s a fact some relationships fail as we simply don’t grow together along life’s pathway.
I sincerely hope this Blog has helped you gain some clarity on your pathway forward. If you feel you need some further guidance, particular at this hectic time of year, please reach out to me at any time.