He knocked on the door. He waited. He knocked again. No answer. He scanned the parking lot for her vehicle. He didn’t see it. He shrugged and figured she was out and would be back. As he was walking to his vehicle, he watched as a woman approached the door he was knocking on moments before. He saw her stick a key into the keyhole and let herself in. He noticed for the first time that there was a different welcome mat placed before the front of the door. In an instant he realized that she was gone. She would no longer open the door, because it was no longer her door. He would no longer enter the apartment that she welcomed him into countless times. He sadly walked back to his vehicle. As he slid into the vehicle, he felt paralyzed. The feeling of emptiness devoured him. She was no longer an option. The next emotion he felt was utter regret. Each time he chose someone else over her, he took it for granted that she would be waiting with opened arms, as before. He shook his head as he recalled his past reasoning in regards to why he kept choosing others over her. “I’m young.” “I want to have fun.” “I have plenty of time to commit.” “She’s asking for too much.” “She’s exhausting.” “She overthinks.”
He then felt a foreign emotion. An emotion he believed that she must have felt when he cut her out of his life without giving her a second thought. In that moment he felt connected to her. But the connection he felt broke his heart as in that moment he regretted every time he thought or uttered that she was “too emotional.” He realized that he became the cliché of a man who convinces himself that the grass is greener on the other side.
In desperation, he scrolled to her name on his phone. When he clicked her name, he hoped that he could hear her voice on the line. He knew that if he could just have a minute, he could convince her that he was the one for her and he would never leave her. The phone immediately went to her voicemail. He clicked her name again… and again… and again… The truth hit him hard. She blocked him.
A single tear rolled down his face. He felt out of control. He frantically searched her name in social media sites. He could not find her. There was not a trace of her anywhere. Yet again, the foreign feeling hit him. He felt connected to her again. Although he felt the connection, it was bittersweet. He wanted to tell her that he finally understood her. He wanted to tell her that he was wrong. He just wanted her to hear him.
He wanted her to hear him…
He, then, realized that that was all she wanted from him. She wanted him to hear her. What she wanted from him was simple. But he told her she was complicated. He recalled using words such as crazy, emotional, demanding, and intense to describe her in order justify his cruel behaviors. He realized he turned her into those things to make himself feel better. He knew it was wrong… Why didn’t he just listen? It only took him a moment to wonder. He knew why he didn’t hear her. He was only concerned about himself; he didn’t take her needs into consideration.
He realized that he was still sitting in the parking lot that was in front of the apartment that she once resided in. He, naively, thought that she would always be waiting. He slammed his fist into the steering wheel; the sound of his horn startled him. The sound was like a harsh wakeup call that bleakly told him that he had no one to blame but him…
He closed his eyes and confessed to a God he knew only in name, “I am sorry God, I have been living my life all wrong.”
He couldn’t help but wonder, “Where is she now?”
In a place, just miles from where he was, she took a deep breath. She took in her new surroundings. She could feel her anxiety rising. But it was a different anxiety… The good kind… It was an excitement. An excitement she can only recall having as a little girl on Christmas morning… What she had once believed was taken from her now existed in her world once again. Pure hope existed in her world once more.
She could not explain how or why, but in an instant a thought of him crossed her mind. She remembered how they first met. She remembered how she believed every pretty word that dripped from his lips. When these thoughts crossed her mind in the most recent past, it was enough to bring her to knees. She recalled the tears that would spill out of her eyes as she begged God to erase any memory of him.
She did feel a twinge of hurt, as she was still a human filled with emotions, but this time was different. It was different because she welcomed the time to pass and to allow herself to feel the hurt. She no longer looked for a distraction to use as a temporary patch to cover the hurt. It has not been an easy road. She remembered the most recent times when the hurt settled over her in the most public places and how she promised herself that she would no longer hold it in… She would find the nearest women’s restroom and sob in a bathroom stall until she let it all out… She would call a trusted friend to listen to her miss him… In therapy sessions she spoke her deepest fears to a perfect stranger who eventually become another support…
Yes… She remembered when she proactively started protecting her own heart.
He did cross her mind. She was sure it would not be the last time. Although she still felt the twinges of hurt, she knew that he could not be trusted with any part of her. She knew she wanted a partner in this life, but she would trust that time would bring her to him… She carried a box up her new stairway and dropped it into her new home. She smiled to herself as she began to unpack the contents of this small box into her new surroundings, her new adventure. She prayed, “Thank you heavenly Father for second chances.”
She finally understood that it was God’s timing, not her own… She was no longer on the wrong side of thirty, but simply just a girl claiming her spot in this world.
As she was easing into her new life, there was another that she had never met standing outside in the darkness and taking in the moonlight. He stood there and allowed himself to enjoy the coolness of the night. He was at peace as he wondered what she was like, how they would meet, and how he would know it was she. His prayer was simple, “In Your time Lord, I know, and I trust You.” He smiled, as he knew she was existing somewhere in this moment.
In one night, simultaneously, three souls connected. One soul came to repentance as he learned the errors of his ways. One soul let go of what was preventing her to move forward. One soul stood still and trusted in the process. Three souls somehow connected, but also living separate lives came to understand that there was something bigger than their own thoughts and desires…
Three souls all being watched over by a loving God.