To the boys who have no clue:
It is important that I start treating myself better. I have begun the journey, but have continued to make some mistakes. Instead of beating myself up for these mistakes, I have learned to accept that they happened and try to do better. Because it is now as plain as day that I need to be better to myself, I need to surround myself with those who also believe that I deserve better.
In the past I have allowed you to come in and out of my life as you please. That is not acceptable. I made the mistake of allowing you to believe that it is acceptable. I won’t even blame you for that. You are who you are. I cannot ask you to be anyone other than you. It is your choice to be the same ol’ you. As for me, I realized, if I do not protect my heart and make better decisions, I will continue to be the same ol’ me. And that is not acceptable.
You are agitated by my thoughtfulness, which you coined as “overthinking.” You claim that you are an opened book, but when that is put to the test, you avoid me. I have been and have always been real. I say how I feel. I allowed you to let me think that something was wrong on my part for being this way. I continued too many times to count to try to change who I am in order to make your existence more comfortable.
I have watched as you allowed yourself to believe that the grass was greener on the other side. Instead of voicing how hurtful it was as I watched you lust after others, I kept quiet. I allowed myself to believe that I was not good enough. I even tried at times to become the idols that you continuously coveted.
I can look at all these attempts that I have made in order to make myself desirable in your eyes… These failed attempts… And recognize how unhappy it made me and how I actually came to a point where I didn’t even recognize myself. Again this is not meant to blame you, rather it is a reflection of what I chose to allow. It would be unfair of me to blame you for being you.
This has been a lifelong journey for me, but after all these years I am finally gaining perspective… I always saw the potential in you. I saw who you could be. I ignored the red flags. I chose to look past that and let my guard down and allow you into my life.
I want you to know that words are not just simply words that come and go for me. When you uttered those beautiful words, I believed you. Maybe it wasn’t the words that cut me as much as me choosing to believe your words. Please hear this again: I believed you. I truly believed that you were genuine.
And when things went really bad, I allowed you to say what you had to say and leave on your terms. Those close to me say that I am better off. They say that you are not good for me. They say that you are selfish. Your actions prove their words to be true. However, you will never know this, as instead of telling you how it hurt me, I put on a brave face and act as though it doesn’t affect me.
So maybe you think you know me, but you really don’t know anything about me. I was merely chosen by you for egotistical reasons. And when I tried to get more out of you, you walked away… Completely unscathed. Or is that your disguise? Maybe I never knew you either.
There are illusions of perfect that it seems that you have chased your whole life. From what I see, you are chasing flawlessness. That is not me. That will never be me. How I love and hate social media at the same time. I get these notifications of your likes, and most of your likes are women that have zero flaws in their appearance. My body will never look like the women you yearn to be with. My hair will never flow like the model-like figures that you lust after. That is not me. Not even close. And I will not and let’s be honest cannot compete with that. I will forever have problem areas and I am okay with that. I will not live at the gym to try to live up to an unrealistic image that I think may satisfy you.
So here is what you left behind: a girl who meant everything she said to you. A girl who tried her hardest to make you happy. A girl who sincerely wanted you. A girl who allowed you into her life. A girl who took a risk on you.
I believed you and I think that is the reason it has taken me so long to move on. And even worse, I meant everything I said, even after you changed your mind. I don’t regret being nice to you. I don’t regret you. We must have crossed paths for a reason.
Never forget, I believed you. There it is. It is said.
The girl who deserves better