Dear dad, it has been four years since you left us without notice. I still remember your passing so freshly ingrained as memories of the heart.
You passed peacefully looking fierce full, powerful and beautiful as a lion.
I never got to speak to you before you left us. I tried though, and I can only hope you heard me.
Ever since you left me, you left me with so much words unspoken. So much love, unloved. And so much anger; anger for myself for all that remained unsaid. All that is still burning like fire in me ever since you left.
On this father’s day, I finally found the courage to write to you and reveal the unspoken in a letter.
I finally found the courage to share these words straight from my heart with the world and inspire others to embrace their grief and hold space for their lost loved ones. Inspire those that still have their loved ones right next to them, to love, to cherish and speak the unspoken. As regret will weigh heavily on their souls if they keep silent.
Pride. Anger. Frustration. Inner Critic. Anxiety. Fear. Lost in life. All these emotions and feelings and more, kept me from saying and showing what truly mattered to me; my love for you.
Yes, I was angry at you for the suffering you caused my mother and us as children. You changed, and faith has transformed you into one of the most devoted and committed men I knew.
For so long, I could not find it in my heart to forgive you and let go. Until the day I saw you were lying helplessly in the hospital bed. I felt your regrets, your fears, and your love. I felt your love for us which transcended the universe. A love so pure that I still can feel it four years later deep in my beating heart.
All I remember saying is how much I loved you and how much I will always love you. You are the reason for the woman I am today.
You are the reason I will share our memories with my son every single day; my son who adores his grandfather and knows he is above in the skies.
I love you dad, more than life itself.
With age, we become wiser, at least some of us. I realize that every human being has a shadow self. A shadow self which prevails if we let our darkest emotions get the best of us. Taming our shadow self and finding balance in life by remembering what truly matters is perhaps one of the hardest lessons you taught me, through your passing.
I always remember your advice and life lessons, like this one:
Life is like a journey on a train. You get in, some passengers are already seated and will leave at some point during your journey. Others will step in at a later point and may stay or leave. When you reach your destiny, how all passengers remember you and the impact you left …is what counts.
You left my train way to early dad. You only witnessed half of my journey, a journey filled with anger and frustration most of the time. I did not know that only by forgiving you did I let go of my shadow self-emotions. I did not realize that not only was I to forgive you; I had to forgive myself.
Now, just pure love and joy arise when I think of you dear father, as I finally feel the transformational power of forgiveness.
Your passing hit me like a tsunami of oceans, one after the other. Only those who have lost understand. I lost my foundation, and I lost myself.
Until I realized that your passing resulted in my rebirth. Your passing, as traumatic and painful, was a catalyst to become the person I am meant to be: my most authentic self.
I learned to let go. I learned to fall in love with myself, a feeling I never felt before as I always gave away my love to others.
I learned to enjoy every moment with my son; his youthful bliss and high energy levels keep me alive every step of the way.
I set myself free from my limiting beliefs, and I am about to go on an adventure and live the purest and highest expression of myself.
Because of you, my dearest father, because of you. You are with me every moment and every breath I take. You who I will always remember and cherish for the rest of my life.
I love you, always and forever. I love you for you have given me the greatest gift of life: life itself, twice.