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The tricky thing with time

Reflections of my early mornings

As I sit early morning, trying to read an academic paper (yeah Master’s does that to you!), unable to focus, my mind drifts back to how I made it to the UK. Has my reality finally sunk in? I can’t say. Still feels like a short and sweet holiday.

If someone was to ask me one thing that is majorly different from my life in India, I would unhesitatingly say: Freedom. Of what? Of everything. Its funny how living alone tops the list of every “Things you should do before you’re 30” list. Well, I guess I’m living at least one point on the list and its a thrilling experience. But its not always that, its frustrating too, at times. (Who put it on that list????? *rolls eyes*)

The freedom to make my own choices at so many levels absolutely thrills me, amazes me and sometimes makes me question my own abilities. The biggest question being, am I doing justice to the time I have here? Is this how it is supposed to be?

Back in India, with a consulting job and other interests to pursue, I would crave for more time, and here, I have all the time in the world, with no one to question me. But sometimes, you just don’t know what to do with all this time, and the unproductive nature of it almost kills your confidence in yourself. Well, I think that is the defining moment. This freedom and time with self that one craves for, is a double edged sword. It could discipline you but it could also isolate you. It could teach you to be more independent, but it could also depress you. It could make you so busy that you struggle to manage time in doing 193038486 things, but it could also give you so much time that you don’t know what to do with it!

And sometimes, when you come back to a lifeless room, and an empty house in bitter cold, having to cook your own dinner, with absolute silence around you, you’ll ask yourself: Did I make the right choice? (Do I ask myself? ALL THE TIME!!!!)

In that moment, ‘know’ that you have. Know that it wasn’t going to be easy in the first place. Know that you’re enough to live through this. Know that its an opportunity to explore yourself and the world and most importantly, know that you can do this! Know that this purpose that you’re searching for, is to be found in the wilderness of your very messy mind, and know that it will open up a path to take you to the “YOU” you want to be!

The tricky thing with time, is nothing special, but just as simple, it passes, only to never come back. So accept your choices and make one hell of a story making more audacious choices! (That’s what I plan to do)!

And while I’m at it, I will draw courage from my mentor’s words:

The years pass. The times change. The only thing that survives and transcends this inevitable process, that shines brighter with each new era, is the record of a great human spirit that has endured struggle and remained true to its deepest convictions to the very end.

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People look for retreats for themselves, in the country, by the coast, or in the hills . . . There is nowhere that a person can find a more peaceful and trouble-free retreat than in his own mind. . . . So constantly give yourself this retreat, and renew yourself.

- MARCUS AURELIUS

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