Community//

The Real Reason You Can’t Escape The Bio-Mom Drama

She's your husband's ex, the mother of his children, and invader of your psyche.

Woman feels hopeless in a maze she can't escape.
Woman feels hopeless in a maze she can't escape.

H

Raise your hand if your man has kids from a previous relationship and you just can’t seem to find a way to completely ignore the bio-mom drama.

Why is it so hard to let go?

You say you want to just ignore her or pretend she doesn’t exist, and yet you can’t resist reading her texts or emails. 

You promise yourself you won’t look at her social media, but there you go again, just taking a peek!

Who is she hanging out with now? Did she really just post those cute photos that you took as if they were her own? Is she for real?

You might tell yourself that you need to know what she’s up to because of how it affects your step kids.

I’ll tell you what I think.

It’s FOMO.

Yup, Fear Of Missing Out. Something exciting is going on and you don’t want to miss the action! 

This kind of drama is truly addictive. You say you want nothing more than peace and quiet, but admit it, you’re just dying to know what she’s up to now!

What did she text about you to your husband? What did she spend the child support money on this month? Are there pics of her new boyfriend?

If your cheeks are feeling a little warm right now, just know that you’re not alone!

Most of us are unconsciously feeding a drama habit in some way. It happens because we’re so easily addicted to the brain chemicals produced by feelings of indignation and outrage. The more we experience those strong emotions, the more our brain sends us out out looking for similar situations so we can make more of those feel-good “neuro-transmitters”.

There’s nothing like a self-righteous rush of dopamine to boost your mood and self-esteem! That’s the reward of this addiction; your brain unleashes a powerful stream of these happy-hormones every time you hear about her latest breach of common sense, or the court order, or, God forbid – the actual criminal code. This stuff is addictive as crack cocaine, and it’s free!

So, how can you recover from  this addiction?

Stop asking what she said when they talk on the phone. Ask him politely not to volunteer any news about her, at least for a while until you have actually lost interest and you wonder why you ever felt like you needed to know!

And for goodness sakes, take her off your social media and block her from your phone if you haven’t done that already. Your partner can even do that too. Many families report a huge reduction in drama by using one of the  co-parenting communication apps like Talking Parents or Our Family Wizard among others. 

But, what if she wants him back? Don’t you need to know that?

Here’s what I have to say about that: Stop torturing yourself! You’re just producing more chemicals your brain learned to crave because of some previous drama you experienced in your life. 

It only matters if he actually wants to be with her. And my heartfelt advice to you is to keep the attitude that if he wants to go, he should go quickly and quietly. Ideally, sooner rather than later because you deserve so much better than a man who wants to be with someone else!

Now, are you ready to replace this drama-induced high with a much healthier source of feel-good bio chemicals

Take 5-10 minutes a day to write in a gratitude journal. Just find 5 things each day that you can feel grateful for and joyful about. Remind yourself about the qualities in your partner that made you fall in love with him. Make note of the little moments in your day that were lovely, or inspiring, or brought out a smile or a good laugh. Relax and hang out in those good feelings for just a while.

Think of all the hours you’ve spent basting all your cells in resentment or frustration and instead, devote just a tiny fraction of that amount of time generating positive feelings about your life. 

Your future self will thank you for the effort!

Grab my free Gratitude Journal template and get started on your own journal today!

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