It’s the day before my hysterectomy.
I feel … suspended. In nothingness.
Nanna is here. (Isn’t she always, when I am in my greatest need? #blessed)
Happy is in doggie daycare. I figured now is the perfect time to get him some training, since I won’t be able to take him for walks or take care of him the way he deserves for a bit.
My mind is all over the place.
My emotions change from minute to minute.
So I turned to my tribe, needing to feel their love, comfort, and support. They never disappoint. #alwaysgrateful #ilovemytribe
One of them shared this quote with me:
“Slowly, as the years go by, I learn about the importance of powerlessness. The secret is to not be afraid of it—not to run away. The dying know we are not God. All they ask is that we do not desert them: that we stand our ground at the foot of the cross.” – Sheila Cassidy
I’m sitting with that, right now.
If I’m honest, I AM scared.
I’m scared of my tribe leaving me, because I can’t share wisdom with them right now—because I’m not useful to them, right now.
I’m scared I won’t be a woman without my womb.
I’m scared of what I’ll look like (I’m thinking of shaving my head. Random, huh?) …
… I’m scared of what I’ll BE like … on the other side of this transition.
I’m afraid of my own mortality.
I’m afraid of being alone.
ALL of these fears have one thing in common: I am powerless against them.
There’s nothing I can DO about any of them.
But there is a silence in acceptance.
And that’s where I am right now.
Tomorrow, everything changes.