Community//

The Raw & Real Series: Lonely

Now, here I am in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, no matter how much I want it.

I combed my hair today. I know it doesn’t seem like much, but I consider it a small triumph. I mean, my doctor gave me permission to bathe. It’s the little things, right?

I am so tired. My energy is super low.

I’ve been struggling (hard!) with nausea and vomiting, since the procedure. I have no appetite, and I’m losing weight.

But I’m better than yesterday, I think, when I was dealing with cold sweats and desperately trying to get warm. The pain is a little less.

Now, here I am in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, no matter how much I want it.

I am weepy.

But that’s what brings me to my pen, too. Writing helps. It gives me solace.

It’s challenging for me to be so still.  To stay in bed with just my thoughts. (I keep thinking about how I had to cancel everything for 2019 – all my tours and travel plans. It’s so hard, to watch it all go up in smoke.)

It’s hard to not feel disheartened.

And lonely. So, so lonely. (I can’t even describe how much I miss my Happy.)

I turned to my Facebook tribe tonight, to keep me company. I was surprised anyone was awake, but was comforted when people joined me.

I was relieved that they didn’t want anything from me. Because #realtalk—I don’t have anything to give.

No points or tips. No advice or wisdom.

All I have right now are MY truths.

And in the interest of honoring the title of this series—to be real and RAW—I didn’t do the LIVE for you. I did it for me.

Because I don’t like lonely.

That’s what I’m contending with today.

Simple, heart-wrenching loneliness.

And right in the thick of it, I realize … I really don’t know who I am, anymore.

Venus Opal

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