The emergency hysterectomy is over.
Just like that … they took my uterus out.
My body is healing pretty—thank you Jesus. #godisfaithful
Really, though, it’s not the healing of the incisions that’s the challenge. Almost all the stitches are on the inside. There are only three on the outside: one in my belly button and one on each side of my belly. One of those two is in near the mouth of my dragon tattoo. I don’t like it. I might turn it into a flame. (#hope)
It’s everything else.
It’s the time the healing requires. My organs have to “re-organize,” now. The three (benign) tumors pushed them all out of whack and were wreaking havoc on my kidneys. All of that has to readjust.
I am tired, but I can’t sleep.
I can’t do much of anything, yet I am winded.
I can’t seem to breathe right.
And my hormones have lost their mind! I am moody as fuck. I can be happy, sad, remorseful, despondent, angry all in three seconds.
I am not even-tempered.
It’s like there is this box in front of me, filled with all these little pieces …
Inside it is my divorce. My body that said, “Fuck you, bitch. Die.” All my daddy wounds. My dyslexia. My high-functioning Autism. My anxiety. The letter from my therapist letting me know I’m actually “legally handicapped,” due to the PTSD from my past.
And I’ve kept it all wrapped up in pretty paper.
I’ve done a lot to protect people from my edge. From the street in me.
I won’t do it anymore.
I can’t deal right now. I have no patience.
With anything or anybody.
It has to be that way, right now.
Because … I break.
I just break.
So please be advised: I give no fucks right now. I am going dark. #spidermaninblack
If you need me to be caring/nice/polite/kind/understanding/self-sacrificial /thoughtful/Christian/Godly/measured/fair/balanced/about you/soft/considerate …
Leave now. #itsforyourownprotection
If you are easily offended, please go now.
I am giving myself permission to be my whole self—street urchin to the fullest extent. #realandraw
So just go away.
I don’t have the energy nor the wherewithal to protect/take care of you and me at the same time. Up until now, I have concentrated on everyone … except me.
I now have to choose where I concentrate my energy.
And I choose me.