I recently attended a discussion hosted by a therapist who works with women in abusive relationships. She described how one of the common challenges which she faces is in trying to introduce the concept of existential choice to women whose belief that they do not have a choice has restricted their perception of their power to control their circumstances, specifically to change them; for a host of reasons, individual and general, leaving their abusive partner is simply not an option for them. This limiting belief plays a large part in creating the psychological conditions that condemn the individuals in question to enduring treacherous and sometimes fatal relationships, and which hinder them from taking the necessary steps to allow them to change their circumstances.
In these instances, it is quite literally a mindset, albeit one that has been extensively manipulated and conditioned through the medium of mental and physical abuse, that anchors these individuals to a relentlessly painful situation. Upon reflection of this concept, it struck me that the idea of a mental construct limiting our potential is apparent in many areas of our lives. Although the context above is indeed a particularly grievous example, it occurs to me that so many of us continue to perpetuate life circumstances contrary to our preferential dispositions. Most notably, perhaps, in our careers. I know people who are heatedly passionate about what they do for a living, and their motivation, drive and obsession is inspiring. However, I know many more for whom the term ‘career’ is synonymous with ‘pay cheque’. Exploring this with colleagues and acquaintances, those for whom their work is merely a means to a financial end frequently lament the career they ‘could have had’ or the academic and professional choices they ‘should have’ made. The very language employed indicates defeat and resignation to a figurative ship that has long since sailed beyond the horizon of possibility and opportunity. If I proffer that they should take deliberate action to redirect their career path, such as returning to college, taking a course or undertaking a business venture of their own, the universal responses can almost always be narrowed to a few catch all cliché excuses: I’m too old/It’s too late, I can’t afford it, I don’t have time. The truth is that these reasons are analogous excuses, borne out of subscription to a limiting mindset. The belief that there is no option available other than to continue along the same path results in sympathetic behaviours which serve to reinforce and further perpetuate the belief, effectively giving rise to a self-fulfilling prophecy.
A strategy that has proven effective in counselling women in abusive and fearful circumstances is to encourage them to embrace a new mindset, through which the possibility of choice can empower and embolden them to feel capable of making the necessary changes and to achieve conviction in their power to control the situation and incite change in their circumstances. This is achieved through helping to reframe the variables they had considered as obstacles or preclusions, and to instead view these challenges as consequences of the decision; ultimately acknowledging that whilst the variables about which they are concerned (such as financial instability, loss of residence, loss of partner, etc.) may exist, they do not result in a negation of choice, but rather represent unfortunate but necessary consequences of the decision of leaving. This transformative mindset shifts the dilemma from a perceived lack of choice, diminishing the associated feelings of hopelessness and resignation, and begins to introduce a new perspective, whereby they are faced with a difficult choice. The subtle but significant shift means that a difficult choice is introduced to a previously hopeless situation. This introduction of choice to a mindset that had been manipulated and compressed over a cycle of abuse to the point of desolation and resignation is the seed of empowerment for these women to find their inner strength and nourish the bravery they need to change their circumstances. Though the process can be arduous and requires tremendous emotional strength, support and courage, the dissipation of limiting beliefs and the introduction of the ability and possibility to change and regain control is the critical catalyst to impel the current of change.
The principles here are appropriate to motivational coaching and indeed as a strategy for inciting change in any area of our lives. Motivating ourselves to take the initial steps to make the changes must first begin with a desire to do so, and a belief that it is possible. These basic beliefs are paramount to achieving our goals and in ultimately realising professional and personal fulfilment. We must first allow ourselves to envision that change as a possibility, to empower us to act and effectuate that change. We must raise our standards of productivity, ethics, and commitment that inform and empower our belief constructs. We must reject the concept of fate as a predetermined course. Our future is not predetermined by our past, nor our present. Our paths are governed by a continuous, dynamic flux of interacting elements, informed by our choices, our beliefs, our willingness to commit, and our dedication to make the decisions and accept the consequences necessary to achieving our desired outcomes. Try altering your inner monologue and reframing your thought processes around the rationale for why you have not yet begun pursuit of your dreams. Rather than telling yourself you cannot do X because of Y, tell yourself that you could achieve X if you were willing to accept the consequences and sacrifices necessary to overcome the challenges presented by Y. Now ask yourself which outweighs the other; your desire to achieve X, or your unwillingness to assume the responsibilities and sacrifices necessary to achieve it.
I guarantee you will find it a lot more difficult to reason why you shouldn’t chase your dreams when you reclaim the power to believe in your control of the situation, and cease relinquishing that power to passivity. If these women can overcome extensive and pervasive psychological abuse to become empowered with the incredible mental strength to reclaim control of their minds, bodies and lives, to alter their previously held convictions of the indomitability of their circumstances, I am certain that actively choosing to amend your mindset will unlock limitless potential and reveal a spectrum of possibilities which you never allowed yourself to think possible. Achievement is borne of the seed of believing it possible.
Originally published at aretepsychology.com