You aren’t alone, you very simply have never been taught (or in your pain have forgotten) the basic principles of Communication.
If relationships are our reason for being (and I truly believe they are) then Communication is the secret ingredient which determines the level of success we celebrate in our relationships, whether in your marriage, with your children, with your friends and work colleagues.
So many times I hear “I’m scared I say the wrong thing,” if you are engaged in healthy communication there is No Wrong Thing, you can’t get it wrong because it isn’t about what you say.
* It is about how you say it (the intention behind the words).
* It is about why you say it (what are you trying to achieve with your words).
* It is about your motivation.
But it is about so much more!
When I hear communication breakdown, I know that my clients are talking about a one-way street, where it is all about being understood, they have missed the vital ingredient, which is the ability to listen, not with the response already playing on your lips, but listen to hear and accept the words expressed as the truth, because at that moment they are the truth for your partner.
If you aren’t prepared, in this moment of connection to believe your partner’s (or child or work colleague) truth then you are sabotaging your relationship with that person, you are engaged in the very act you are complaining of, you aren’t listening to connect you are listening with your pre-conceived ideas, based on previous experience maybe, but at that moment you are choosing to be right over being in a happy connected partnership.
It is no longer about creating connection, deepening your bond and your love, it is about winning a battle and no matter how carefully you choose your words you will never win, very simply because at that moment you’ve lost the ability to deeply communicate, you are in a one-sided conversation creating confusion and frustration.
I don’t tell you this to point a finger and ask you to take full responsibility for all the problems in your relationship or relationships. I write this with love, I write this as someone who has had the benefit of living her life on both sides of the seemingly invisible line of communication breakdown.
I share my experience as someone who has learned what it is to communicate fully, listening, believing and expressing my desires. I offer you my experience as someone who has learned to be open and honest with myself and takes responsibility for my part, thus allowing me to hand responsibility back to my partner for his part in full knowledge that I have no control over him, his thoughts or actions but I have full 100% control over mine, oh how empowering is that?
I share this with you as a coach who has led many many women through this process and heard them report back the changes, powerful, almost unbelievable changes they have felt within their relationships, but almost more importantly within themselves.
So what is that missing piece, the one that kept me confounded for many years and I hear in my client’s struggles?
Very simple the ability to listen, and choose to believe at that moment that these words are the truth for your partner.
It is about really hearing the other person. It is about letting go of your judgement and what you think you know and being open to listening to hear, rather than listen to respond.
I can guarantee, this is the secret ingredient which empowers and allows you to create strong, connected, loving and healthy relationships in all areas of your life.
It takes a truly courageous person to set aside all they trust in and become open to change. It takes guts to let go being understood and seeking instead to understand, it takes determination to change a lifetime’s behaviour and let go of what we’ve been taught and watched in action in so many other relationships including parents and peers.
The truth, however, is very simply this - if you crave loving connection in your life you must be willing to let go of what doesn’t work, take a good honest look at your beliefs and make a decision to try something new.
I dare you to - it is life-changing, as humans we crave connection, we seek love and if you learn how to communicate with love in your relationships you will be overwhelmed by the depth of love and understanding which comes your way.
Go one give it a try - what is the worst that can happen? You can always choose to pick up your old patterns at any time.
To book a Simply Connected Strategy Call Follow the link and I look forward to mapping out your first steps. If you recognise yourself or are currently in a similar situation then download my beautiful workbook and start rewriting your relationship love story right now: Be Your Unique You - 5 Steps To True Love