When we lose someone, I think we can all say there is a darkness that instantly takes over. The fictional missing limb that we can’t locate. The question that is so familiar, particular for those gone quickly, is ‘Where have you gone?’. There are moments in those early days that take you deeper into the darkness. The shoes that will never be worn, the car that will never be driven, the bed that will not be slept in. Every turn is a reminder of the physical lose of the person you lived so closely to. Darkness keeps coming in every call you can’t make and not being able to see their face in your eyeline. It is what can only be described as the black hole in your minds eye.
I barely remember how dark it went. However I do remember eventually getting to a doctors, I might as well have crawled in on my hands and knees. When I sat down I begged him to help me, that I could cope no more with pain. ‘Well, I can provide you some tablets’. I knew that was not my answer, something inside said there was no light to be held in a bottle. I told him I was sad, completely grief stricken and no tablet could fix that. So I went back to my sadness alone to wonder, how do I even cope with this.
It was the tiniest of moments that had I not been grief stricken, I may have missed. The kindness of the man on the beach, who took the time to tell me positive stories when he saw the grief pouring from me. It was the women in the supermarket who passed the time with me in a few sentences. The smile from a stranger. Through the darkness that was in my peripheral vision since he had my love had died, it was these kindnesses that gave me a pinprick of hope that was the catalyst for the lightbulb to be switched on.
Although that lightbulb was an energy lightbulb; it took a while to really shine! What I realised was when we eventually get ourselves up off the floor is we ourselves just have to be ready to switch it on. Within each of us there is something that shines even in the dark, its just if we are truly willing to tap into it. Allowing the light to shine and owning the life not lived and the lessons learnt. They can be used for the future rather than dwelled on.
Over everything, love is the only thing that can bring light in the dark. Love of ourselves and love of others.