If I get lazy or complacent, I can drift for months into a sea of self-pity and quiet, insidious self-loathing.
I have been an apologist for my body, my Self, my entire life. Through yoga, meditation and energy practices I have learned many ways of reconnecting to my worth, my inherent value, and to my purpose. But it’s never easy. And every day the practice continues. If I get lazy or complacent, I can drift for months into a sea of self-pity and quiet, insidious self-loathing. It creeps back up on me sometimes, so innocently, and slowly roots itself back into my nervous system. I often think of it like giving up sugar. You do all the work to remove it from every possible area of your eating habits – including emergency and social situations – and then one day you get caught out and end up eating a little in something you’ve bought or someone has made for you. From there, it becomes an extra biscuit here, a bit of cake there, and before you know it, your sugar habit is right back to where you started! Being a body-apologist is exactly the same. That’s why reprogramming our embodied experience – rather than mere “relax and release” styles of energy work – are so incredibly powerful.
And there are layers. So many layers! I’ve come so far in forgiving my body, in learning to love and nurture it with integrity, in leaning into wholeness rather than fragmentation. But there’s always more. Sometimes it can feel overwhelming – pointless even – but then I know I’ve fallen back into that lazy space, one which neither serves me nor the world I give my energy to.
As I walk through the early morning light, the rain clouds and the puddles underfoot, I deliberately ease myself into a visceral, deeply connected appreciation of everything that enters my senses. I notice my resistance, especially in getting wet (part of my body’s learned trauma response from Topical Steroid Withdrawal) and I honour that, whilst allowing myself to breathe, relax and open. The world is quiet at 5.30 in the morning, so it’s easier to drop my natural armouring. Slowly and lovingly, I shed the protective suit of shame and apology. Breathing in all of nature, I surrender to it. Eyes open, softly filling my senses, and eyes closed, expanding my inner world. Alternating between the two. Expanding into both spaces equally: connecting and radiating with the elements.