“Don’t have kids.” “Don’t have kids.” “Don’t have kids.” I still hear it to this day. I heard it over and over throughout my entire childhood. My mom said this to me and my sister repeatedly (its interesting to note she doesn’t want kids either) and I think it formed some sort of limiting belief on my part.
She didn’t say, “don’t have kids” because we were awful or because she thought mothering was so horrible, but because she worried constantly and didn’t know how to turn the worry button off.
Trust me when I say I gave her PLENTY to worry about.
One thing she didn’t have to worry about was an unplanned pregnancy. From the time I first started having sex at age 18 I went immediately on birth control and I’ve never gone off.
Regardless of her reasons I feel her words imprinted on my brain like a mental block that keeps me from wanting them.
Let’s be honest. Parents imprint their personal beliefs, opinions, desires, needs and wants on their children.
I saw this most interestingly on Master Chef – Junior Edition. This year they went to each child’s home and showed the audience where they lived and how they are growing up.
The child’s current view on cooking and life was uncannily like the parents.
My parents never imprinted anything on us (which wasn’t so great in some ways) other than Be Kind and Tell the Truth. We were left to our own devices when it came to education, religion, politics and what we should do with our lives.
Do my sister and I have a shared background of growing up in the Suburbs to a traditional family (mom didn’t work until I was about 10 and only then P/T) in a safe, secure neighborhood? Absolutely.
But my parents always told us, “you can do anything and be anything.” We were never constrained by any particular point of view or told that our opinions were “bad” or “incorrect” or “disrespectful”.
I’m fussy when I don’t get enough sleep. I live in my head sometimes. I like to travel and go where I want when I want.
Having freedom is my main goal in life and I’m sorry but kids can kinda get in the way of that. I’m not knocking those who are willing to sacrifice, but I’m not.
I’ve been able to travel the world, live in Europe and two different states, changed jobs, changed boyfriends (not sure if that’s such a great thing) and focus on trying to help others.
I’m not sure if I’m fundamentally selfish. Maybe I am. But, I’m also smart enough to know that having a child is a SERIOUS responsibility and something you shouldn’t take lightly and it appears to me that way too many people do take it lightly.
I don’t when it became okay to decide, “Well, I want a kid because I want a kid” or “I always wanted to be a mother” or “I want a big family” How is that best for the child? What I hear is “I”, “I”, “I”.
Isn’t deciding to have a kid because that’s what you want regardless of your financial or emotional or relationship position actually way more selfish than saying, I’m kinda selfish so maybe I should hold off?
It means there are days where I wonder. There are days I worry if I will have regrets. There are days where I feel alone because everyone else is just busier than me because they have kids or grand-kids.
There are days where I feel like I should have pro-created. There are days where I feel like I have to work harder to figure out my purpose in life because it wasn’t just handed to me in a little pink or blue blanket.
I can’t tell anyone else why they should or shouldn’t have children or why they shouldn’t become a mother (and let’s be honest a lot of women out there should never have had kids). I only know this is the decision I’ve made for myself and I’m 99.9% okay with it.