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Swallowed

Done with pretending, a writer surrenders to her pain

Surrender to Pain. (pexels)

Today, I am in pain

Without warning, uninvited, pain was caused and it ended up on my back and in my heart

Unwelcome, but embraced

I carry pain today

I am carrying others’ pain

No one asked me to

But I am carrying their pain too

I guess perhaps I need to admit today that I choose to carry others’ pain, in addition to my own

It’s a heavy and painful load to carry

And I’m not even sure the others are even in pain anymore

I just assumed they were

How could they not be

Yes, I am thinking they are in a lot of pain

Maybe, they don’t realize how much pain they are in

Maybe they are afraid of the pain

But I know their pain

And I weep for their pain so much that I forget to weep for mine

Perhaps, they don’t even feel any pain

None of it

Their load is light

As I carry their pain

I want to cover them with a warm protective blanket — to protect them from the pain, to block them from the pain, to take away their burdensome pain, so they won’t die, crushed from the weight of the pain, the pain they don’t feel

They are oblivious to the pain

Because I carry their pain

But my pain is so, so, so heavy

Heavy on my back, heavy in my heart

My heart is enveloped, consumed in the pain

I embrace the pain because…

What’s in the way, is the way

Though it is not comfortable, never comfortable, this pain I carry

For me and for them

And then today my back broke

Because I learned that all the pain that I am carrying is not even being recognized by the one causing the pain… they don’t care, they are not concerned, they have no empathy. That made it so much more painful.

But — who should wish pain on anyone? It’s a gift when pain is lifted, and we need to manifest for all of us everywhere to not be in pain and surround ourselves with healing

Being angry is like drinking poison and wanting the other person to die

This is the healthy way to remember that we control our own thoughts, how we respond to people and thoughts and things. We are responsible for our own emotions and no one else’s. No one else can control or fix anyone else’s emotions.

We all choose our own emotions

And it’s so healthy when one moves on from pain, so good on them…

Except

I am still in pain

I am hurt that they are not feeling the pain with me or empathizing with me

I am not ready to heal so why should they be

This makes me angry

Anger equals pain

I have more pain now

Today I choose to still be angry

Today I choose to be angry for others’ pain

But today crushed me, my heart hurt

The weight was too heavy

Too burdensome

Too hurtful

Too raw

Too fresh

Too resentful

Too much

Today the pain swallowed me

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People look for retreats for themselves, in the country, by the coast, or in the hills . . . There is nowhere that a person can find a more peaceful and trouble-free retreat than in his own mind. . . . So constantly give yourself this retreat, and renew yourself.

- MARCUS AURELIUS

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