When we first met, I asked him – please, don’t leave me. No matter what I do, no matter what I say, no matter the circumstances, please do not leave me.
His reply was – I will never leave you, only if you don’t ask me for.
Months went by, and the happy “two humans one life” turned into “me and mine”. Everything you never wish to happen was happening right there. Suddenly, while we were struggling to create our life – the life started happening to us.
I didn’t realize it back then, though I certainly do now – everything inside me was asking him to leave me, drop me, dump me, so I myself can get out of the well. And this is exactly what he did.
My ego couldn’t help screaming and crying, asking for help, while my true self always knew this was the only way out. I was the character in my own play. I wanted to be free together, yet I felt devastated when I myself refused to perform the role I created in the first place.
My ego was asking “Why?”, and my true self was immediately replying “Why not? Look at yourself, you are a mess. No matter how hard you try to mask it, no matter what stories you create on top of those already created, this is your bottom, and this is your last chance to either stay there pampering your pain or push off and launch like a rocket”.
“Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it”, writes Elizabeth Gilbert in “Eat, Pray, Love”. And I can’t agree more.
The solution wasn’t to add more superficial connection to my life – it was to become who I already was.
The human whom I never stopped loving, without saying a word, showed me that growth through kensho can be as much of a blessing as growth through satori is.
For the first time in my life I heard: “I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. If you need to talk to the therapist again, go ahead and call her — I will love you through that, as well. If you don’t need to talk to anyone, I will love you, too. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than stories and masks, and I am braver than loneliness, nothing will ever exhaust me”. And this time I heard it from myself.
So, there I was with a broken heart and stronger than ever spirit. I knew that someday I’m gonna look back at this moment of my life as such a powerful and sweet time of grieving. I knew, I’d see that I was in mourning and my heart was broken, yet my life was changing.