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Starting from scratch at 19.

Self discovery is a burden.


Self discovery is a burden.


Every single human throughout the course of their life, fails, but eventually there’s a point where we get back up. You never really find out when and that gives you a rush of uncertainty at that moment at whichever age you fail. Does it suck? Sure hell it does. Can you survive it? Most certaintly yes. This is what came upon me and why I decided to completely start from far back. Discovering myself was a punch in the throat. I don’t necessarily have done so just yet. I’m literally only 19 years old, haven’t hit puberty yet. Growing, learning, fighting battles , experiencing relationships that stay or drop, same with short or long lasting friendships, all of the normal stuff one sees in a teenage coming of age film. Ever since summer of 2016, directly after exiting high school and being thrown like a football straight into the world, that is kind of where i was like “Then what do I do now?”. That was 2 years ago…and only Seventeen. Did the usual things of continuing serving 15 pumps of sugar stacked caramel iced coffee’s at your local Dunkin to customers who simply did not care about your work ethic. Most of my friends including myself rushed straight into college, clueless. ESPECIALLY ME. Why would I think I knew what I was getting myself into? Although I did know what I wanted to study, but nonetheless the motivation was not there at full capacity.

Here comes when it gets dark. VERY. So I guess get prepared. I went along with the heinous flow and went with my classes, ones I had to take but deep down I despised them. You see, i’m telling you I used to be miserable but i didn’t decide that, my mind did. A wide difference side to side. Moving forward to early 2017, i hated myself. Plain and simple, no doubt about it. College was mentally tearing me apart and you couldn’t see the signs. Unfortunately I wasn’t noticing them either. While all of this was going on, everything around me was falling apart into a deteriorating plate of literal tostadas (Mexican appetizer, sorta). I couldn’t stay still and hold the balance yet I continued, somehow still boosted up my stamina and courage to do just that. Feeling like i was on top of a Bosu and kept falling. Relationships? Non-existent. Friends? Lost a few, gained some, still ended up being a tight circle of shockingly 5. I didn’t last in school until fall of that same year. By then everything really slapped in the worst possible way. Was handling two jobs and drained, then got fired from one. Around that same time I used other people’s energy, charisma, mood, tone, and vulnerability for inspiration. My only path to leading to the answer if i’ll ever discover who I really wanted to be. If I would find happiness and how long it was going to take.

Understand this. Happiness is like success, we all want it but there’s lots of foggy obstacles in order to get at the end and grab it with the palm of your hand. Once you have it, its like you literally pour it into your body like alcohol. Writing kind of saved me in a weird way. Being the only escape into your own little world and vibing along with it. Same exact way I vibe at concerts or any of that. Not parties or clubs because even though i do go, i’m always uncomfortable or visually overwhelmed. Worst enemy for a millenial with endearing anxiety. In the span of time of 2 years, I was so lost. Lost in my mind, in my weight, in my health, figuring out ways to tape it back together, rebuilding relationships with those whom I care about. Flipping through the pages of my life, 900 miles per hour. Never landing on the page I wanted to, that should’ve read or least expected to have the word “HAPPINESS” in bold.

As time dragged and dragged and dragged, i found the steps towards discovering my plans for life , discovering who I was, and carrying myself within. Making connections spirtually with friend’s and clicking. Learning through the early stages of ‘Vers’ whom a very great friend, a genius and captivating friend of mine, Mohameth built from scratch. Showed me that focusing on just one thing and putting it first, gets you further than expected. Bits of stuff like that drove me to where i’m at today. At this exact moment, sitting on my bed on a saturday night, writing about being lost and stepping on my own self but found. Happy and found. Holding back fake smiles everywhere I went for a straight two years, lying to those close to me that I was fine, lying that I went to school a few months ago so my family wouldn’t think I was an early college dropout, lying that I did curl up and hated why I was still here. Lost in my mind. Just lost. There really isn’t a way how I decided to start again. My mind did, not me. Fresh and raw and back again from the top to have a new chance at making new decisions, better yet, better ones. Mind and body are always constantly fighting like in the UFC. One against each other, and yours is to but some of you haven’t realized it.

Find yourself but starting with your mind. We have capabilities of doing more than we can imagine. Resources to 90% higher than 10 years ago. Using social media as a platform to help yourself and others sometimes by typing up one thing, one word and making another human being halfway across this messy planet, get a smile on their face. Self discovery is your only way to loving who you actually are and why you were put in this atmosphere in the first place. Drill it in your head that you have one life. Travel if you honestly can, do this and that, accept that, reject this, walk there, run there, drive anywhere, as long as you want to do it. Not because you have to. Party, read, tell your sorority or frat crush that you have feelings for them, just live. Go with the flow, that’s what i’m doing especially this young and chilling. During these harsh times where we live under an administration with the brain of an ant, who don’t care about us even a tiny bit, we have to unite. Unity, equality, self love, love towards others, gets you and the rest pretty far believe it or not. Just find yourself and when you do, write it down on a piece of paper. You’ll look back and whatever age you want to start over again and again, you will build up a kick ass smirk.

Breathe, and you’ll be found.

Originally published at medium.com

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People look for retreats for themselves, in the country, by the coast, or in the hills . . . There is nowhere that a person can find a more peaceful and trouble-free retreat than in his own mind. . . . So constantly give yourself this retreat, and renew yourself.

- MARCUS AURELIUS

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