At some point, you may feel that you and a friend don’t connect anymore, whether you find you have less in common or feel they’re treating you differently lately and are subtracting from your life more than adding to it.
Like a romantic relationship, you may know it’s not working out, but when it comes time to breaking up with them, it’s easier said than done. However, sometimes, there are signs it’s time to dump a friend.
“We crave connection and to build a pack around us,” Kailee Place, licensed professional counselor (LPC) at her private practice, Shifting Tides Therapeutic Solutions, in Charleston, South Carolina, told Business Insider in an email. “We may have different groups of friends that serve different purposes — from friends who enjoy going on adventures to ones who may indulge our homebody side — and healthy friendships allow us to be authentic, comfortable, and loved.”
Place said the common theme in working friendships is having a friend who leaves you feeling supported and cared for. “Occasionally, friendships go sour, and it’s incredibly hard to cut off a friend, but keeping a toxic friend around is draining,” she said. “In the long run, it’s better to cut ties, and find people who appreciate and support you.”
To Place’s point, if you’re not sure whether or not to cut someone out of your life, here are 9 signs it’s time to end a friendship, according to therapists.
Any type of relationship should be a two-way street, whether it’s a platonic, familial, or romantic one. But if you find that a certainfriendship is consistently one-sided, it may be time to say goodbye.
“If you’re pouring energy into someone who isn’t giving you the same treatment, it’s not a mutual friendship,” Place said. “If you are finding your friend only pops up when they need something or they are going through a hard time — but often go silent or provide very little in your time of need — it’s time to say bye to this friend.”
Trust is a big part of any kind of relationship, and once it’s gone, it’s hard to recover.
“In friendships, there are minor and major betrayals that injure trust,” Melody Li, an Austin-based licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT), relationship specialist, and co-founder of the Austin Counseling Collective, told Business Insider in an email.
Li said if it’s a minor incident and the injuring friend shows regret and a plan to regain trust, the injured friend may give them another chance — with caution. “However, major betrayals — like seducing the friend’s significant other, cheating, or stealing money — are red flags,” she said. “That relationship may not be worthwhile to reexplore at all.”
Along the lines of being able to trust your friend, you want to make sure that they keep private things private, according to Jill Whitney, a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) who writes about relationships and sexuality at KeepTheTalkGoing.com. “You need to be able to trust your friends to respect your confidences,” she told Business Insider in an email.
Many things you talk about won’t be especially private, she said, and then it’s probably fine for your friend to share those things with other friends. “But when you make it clear that you don’t want a specific thing shared, any decent friend will honor that,” Whitney said.
Although everyone has good times and bad times, if your friend tends to be more pessimistic than optimistic, it may be a sign to end the friendship.
“If you have a friend who is consistently negative without making efforts to change, it may be time for some distance,” Place said. “Most people are compassionate and empathetic of others, especially friends, but you must take care of yourself first and foremost.” She said if a negative friend is bringing you down, it’s reasonable to spend less time with them or take a break from them altogether.
Sometimes, friends drift apart, whether you have less in common or life circumstances have changed. If you have little or nothing to talk about anymore, it may be a sign your friendship as you knew it has come to an end.
“You and a perfectly nice friend can just drift apart,” Whitney said. “You may have been close at one point in your lives, but now your paths have diverged so much that when you get together, it’s awkward.”
To save the friendship, Whitney suggested, talk about how your lives have changed or focus on an activity that both of you still like. “But you may decide to invest less time in that friendship instead,” she said.
If your friend constantly has drama happening in their world, it may negatively affect your friendship with them. “These types of friends can seem exciting for a little while — with things happening all the time — but it becomes clear that chaos follows this person,” Place said. “You may notice relationships in their life seem to be unhealthy or chaotic, as well.”
Place advises to ask yourself if this friendship is actually mutual and supportive, or if you’re just being drawn into the amusement or drama. “And, sooner or later, you’ll become part of the chaos versus just a spectator,” she said.
Whitney agrees. “These folks are exhausting,” she said. “They suck you into their tale of woe — they blame all their troubles on someone else or won’t keep a steady job, yet constantly complain how broke they are.” She said that, out of compassion, you may try to help, yet they never take your advice, and the same problems keep repeating.
There will be times when you have to say “no” to a friend, whether it’s regarding weekend plans or doing them a favor, and it may not be easy. Place says it’s important to see how they react when you have to say “no.”
“Sometimes, life happens and you need time for yourself, and that’s okay,” she said. “If your friend gets salty about you taking this time for yourself, that’s not a healthy dynamic. A friend supports you and understands when you need to take time for yourself versus making it about themselves or being passive-aggressive.”
No friendship is perfect, and you and your friend should be able to voice your concerns when one of you feels hurt or needs to address a problem. However, if you can’t, there may be a problem within the friendship.
“An immature friend may say you’re wrong or overreacting,” Whitney said. “They may immediately turn the problem back on you and not own any part of it.”
She said a sign of a quality friend, however, is that they may not agree with you on something, but they will hear you out respectfully. “They’ll care about your feelings and perspective,” she said. “But friends who can’t have a balanced conversation about problems in your relationship may not be friends worth keeping.”
When you’re with a friend, hopefully, they make you feel better, not worse. If it’s the latter, it may be time to cut ties.
“If you find that every time you’ve been with a certain friend, you feel worse afterward, take a good look at what’s going on,” Whitney said. She said to consider a few factors: Do they constantly compare you negatively to themselves or other people? Do they consistently point out your faults? Do they mock you, maybe in an “Oh-I’m-just-joking-but-still hurtful” way?
Originally published on Business Insider.
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