23 minutes into the warmup, my thighs should be quaking through horse to bow-and-arrow stance and a mad grin should be slipping into my face. I should taste the triumph in my mouth, feel the blisters on my feet twinge when I pivot. I should glance up and see my reflection in the studio mirror, sexless in white gi & belt, and feel the world fall into place around me.
Instead, I’m laying on my couch reading book after book — “Popular Witchcraft”, by Jack Fritsch, “Kaibyo: The Supernatural Cats of Japan”, by Zack Davisson, and “Bird by Bird” by the ever-graceful Anne Lamott. I’m sipping coffee and rinsing the hole where I had a tooth two weeks ago with a dilution of hydrogen peroxide. I’m cuddling with my six year old who has a stuffed bunny named Bouncing Berry.
I’m a control freak, like so many of us. I want to structure my world, make it fit, make it ok. And I’m pretty good at it, but I have to get up at 5 am to do it, and I occasionally have panic attacks when somebody requests something simple from me, like would I print out a label for them or something like that.
“So in the midst of tiredness, busyness, chaos … I try to remember to let go, continually.
When things are messy or disorderly, not the way I like them, I try to let go of the way I think things should be. Then I try to see the situation with fresh eyes, understanding that there will always be chaos and mess, and that this too can be loved.
I see that I’m stressed and holding onto the way I want things to be, and so I tell myself I know nothing. And I let go. Then something else comes up and tightness comes up in my body, and I notice this and try to let go. I breathe, smile, and open up.
And by letting go of what I know, I’m opening myself up to what’s in front of me. This unfolding moment of unexpectedness.
And it is truly magnificent.”
How are you letting go and living today?
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Originally published at medium.com