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She is Living in a Daydream

Choosing to face yourself for the very first time after a lifetime of distractions is the best decision you can ever make for yourself, but it is also the most difficult decision, as you have to then face yourself.

She knew that she never truly experienced true romance. She spent most of her days daydreaming about it. She longed for someone to truly fall for her. She did have relationships. She was lusted after and was told that the lust was love. Maybe she knew better, but she wanted so hard to believe that someone could actually love her. In the midst of these relationships, the daydreams did not stop. Instead they increased. The daydreams turned into hoping what her current relationship could potentially be. The potential turned into expectation. But alas the expectation of wanting to feel that love continued to remain in her dreams.

She has been told all the pretty words imaginable. She believed even when there were clear signs that shouldn’t. She wanted so bad to be wanted. She wanted another being to tell her she was worth it. Each time a pretty word was uttered, she clung to it for life. If it were spoken, she would remember exactly how it was said, so she could replay it in her mind. If it were written, she would read it over and over again. The pretty words told her she was worth it.

She was intelligent enough to know that the pretty words were not enough, but forced herself to believe that the pretty words would turn into actions. She was let down when the words would not turn into actions. But she would not leave. She told herself that she needed to try harder.

She also said pretty words. But each time she thought, spoke or wrote these words, she could feel herself meaning them down to the core of her soul. She would not let the pretty words sit alone, but would used a foundation of actions to display how much she meant those pretty words. She may have believed that if she displayed her love, she would be able to teach him how to display his love.

He took all that she had to offer. He did not return the offer. Maybe he was broken and was absorbing as much as love as he could from her is what she thought. She knew she was not getting what she deserved, but she still would not leave. She forced herself to think that he could be the one. She scared herself into thinking that there may not be another.

She continued to give and give. She felt drained. She was tired. She could feel her soul thirsting for this love that she was so fervently giving to him. Those that cared for her warned her to get out. They saw how his needs were weighing her down. They watched as she justified his bad behavior. They watched and were helpless, as she was determined to make this one work.

Those that cared for her saw her go down this path before. They saw the same warning signs. They saw the same cycle. They pondered to themselves as to why she allowed herself to get treated this way. They wondered why she could not focus on the love that was all around her.  Although it was not romantic love, it was love in the purest form.

She made herself blind to the love that was surrounding her. When he finally left, as the one before; then it was no longer just a broken heart as before, she could feel her soul shattering.

She did not even have to wonder what went wrong. She knew what went wrong. She allowed herself to fall hard for him. She allowed herself to let her guard down. For a few pretty words that had no foundation, she allowed him control. She bottled in all the disappointment when he did not display his love for her. When her body could no longer keep it bottled inside, she exploded.

She cried. She told him how he hurt her. She was crying so hard, she could barely breathe. Her body was enjoying the release of the emotions, but her soul was exhausted as she knew she through this moment of intensity she was begging him to love her.

She did not leave, but he did. This was all too familiar. It was like a bad dream repeating itself all over again. Or like a song that she already knew the lyrics to. She felt like she was broken.

She no longer wanted a distraction. She wanted to be done with finding stability in another, but rather knew that deep down she wanted that stability to come from within. She knew that this would not happen over night. But she knew that if she continued down the same path, she was going to eventually completely lose herself.

She wanted to know she mattered. She hated that she kept on wondering why she existed. She did not want to feel the hurt anymore. Through this choice of self-discovery, she knew that she was going to feel the hurt. In her strongest moment of making the decision to sit with herself, she minimized how much the hurt would hurt.

And then the hurt came. And it came again. She could hear the voices from this recent past and even the distant past telling her, “I’m not 100% sure about you anymore.” “I’m out.” “You’re exhausting.” “You are too emotional.” “You think too much.”

She felt that although it hurt, because she talked about it and refuted those words spoken to her, she would be fine. Then the next wave of hurt arrived. He, whom she felt she could not keep no matter how hard she tried, was moving on right in front of her eyes. She knew he was not healthy, but she also knew how she felt- hurt. She reverted back to thoughts of feeling like something was wrong with her.

She tortured herself with thoughts of him. She knew that even if he did come back, it would not make things right. She forced herself to remember how many times she cried alone while she was still with him and how he never knew. She forced herself to remember how she often felt alone even in his presence.

The hurt was still there and will probably linger, but she did not find another distraction or beg him to come back. She prayed to God. She knew that He was still there. She begged Him to help her get passed this. She cried in vain.

She called those who were safe. They listened. They were loving toward her as she spoke, but at the same time held her accountable. They wanted her to know that they cared, but they also wanted her to see the error of her ways in regards to these distractions she was creating to avoid feeling the hurt. Instead of worrying about feeling like a burden to those close, she talked until she started feeling a little better.

What he did was none of her business. She knew this. She took the steps she needed to take in removing him as much as possible from her life. Although before she lied to herself in saying she removed him, she acknowledged that she still left a path of breadcrumbs for him to return to her. She finally understood why those around her insisted on her removing him from all aspects of her life. By leaving a way back for him to return, she was also giving him control over her.

She also knew that he was not what she wanted. She could recall with each and every “him” in her life, how she compromised who she was in order to make it work. She actually smiled to herself due to this realization, if she could not be who she truly was; she was never going to be at peace.

It is so easy to lose hope. It is so easy to give up. She tried these. When the distractions did not work, she went to the extreme of not wanting to exist anymore.

For the first time in her life, she is allowing her feelings to flow freely. She understood the concept, but never truly allowed herself to experience it due to the fear of the hurt. And more so she was afraid of being alone while experiencing the hurt.

But in the moments of thinking she was alone, she knew she was not alone, her status reads single, but she is surrounded by the love of friends and family. She is not alone. There is hope. It will not be easy, but she is strong. When she is weak, she has people. She has a God who never left her one time. She is not alone.

She will continue to allow herself to daydream, but a daydream of hope… A daydream of someday… A daydream of peace…  But this time it will not remain a daydream, as it is already becoming her reality a little bit more as each moment passes by.

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People look for retreats for themselves, in the country, by the coast, or in the hills . . . There is nowhere that a person can find a more peaceful and trouble-free retreat than in his own mind. . . . So constantly give yourself this retreat, and renew yourself.

- MARCUS AURELIUS

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