Robin Stoltman: “Once that happens relationships can improve overall personally or professionally”

Achieving time alone even in short increments improves understanding of ourselves and what we desire for ourselves. It also allows us to see our main focus and if what we are attracting into our lives is good or bad. For those who believe in the law of attraction, that time alone boosts our focus to […]

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Achieving time alone even in short increments improves understanding of ourselves and what we desire for ourselves. It also allows us to see our main focus and if what we are attracting into our lives is good or bad. For those who believe in the law of attraction, that time alone boosts our focus to put energy into more of what we do want in life. If we want relationships to improve it makes sense that during our time alone we figure ourselves out. Once that happens relationships can improve overall personally or professionally.

As a part of my series about “How To Learn To Finally Love Yourself” I had the pleasure to interview Robin Stoltman, Certified Hypnotherapist, Intuitive Mindset Expert. Robin Stoltman is an Intuitive Mindset Expert, Certified Hypnotherapist and the founder and CEO of Healing for the Soul Hypnosis LLC. Her mission is to help parents overcome parental guilt to achieve their personal and professional goals.

Robin was inspired to create her company after surviving multiple childhood traumas, a severe brain injury and then having Minnesota Child Protective Services steal her first son at just four days old without any court orders or proof. Now she helps people in releasing negative emotions, anxiety, and self-limiting beliefs related to all of life’s challenges.

In addition to her diploma in Hypnotherapy, Robin is certified in 16 different areas related to behaviors of the mind. She earned a director’s award from the nation’s only accredited college of hypnotherapy, Hypnosis Motivation Institute. Robin is a Bestselling Co-Author of: You Were Made to Be Unstoppable By: Nim Stant. She has been featured nationally in: Authority Magazine, Thrive Global, Business Talk Radio 1, and NBC/KCAA Radio’s Sheila Mac Show. Locally on Keloland Living, Watertown Public Opinion, Greater Sioux Falls Chamber News. Robin is also statewide resource for mental health in South Dakota’s 211 resource Helpline. She has spoken about healing from within at 1 million cups in Minnesota & South Dakota.

Thank you so much for joining us! I’d love to begin by asking you to give us the backstory as to what brought you to this specific career path.

My company, Healing For The Soul Hypnosis LLC, was founded during my time I thought I was broken in all areas of my life. It was from my life’s issues that I kept pushing forward gaining the strength and confidence I have now. In seeking out how to help myself, I found a way how I can help other people as God put hypnotherapy in my life at the exact time I needed it. I have always had a strong desire to serve people who are looking for guidance, and desire more from life. My own suffering of more traumas than most experience in one lifetime gave me stronger empathy, compassion, and authenticity in helping others.

Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you hope that they might help people along their path to self-understanding or a better sense of wellbeing in their relationships?

I recently started teaching moms with multiple children how to fit “me time” in without feeling guilty. While teaching moms how to get this valuable “me time” it also allows for self-love, self-appreciation, and increased love for others in her life. Parenting does not have to be hard like many make it out to be. In fact, bringing joy to parenting without the stress, without the yelling, is what I am teaching moms how to do while having a career as a mom-boss. Plus, giving moms “me time” allows them to recharge so that they can bring renewed energy and passion into other areas of their day-to-day lives.

Do you have a personal story that you can share with our readers about your struggles or successes along your journey of self-understanding and self-love? Was there ever a tipping point that triggered a change regarding your feelings of self acceptance?

When I think back to everything, I have been through in my short life span there have been many struggles that I had to overcome to get where I am now. I went through being abused in many forms for years as a child into my teen years and having numerous health issues. Along the way I had been told about body syndromes from my pain management doctor and how our bodies react to the world around us when we hide emotions or are not allowed to express our emotions.

When I was around eighteen years old my pain management doctor told me the fibromyalgia I had since I was fourteen along with the migraines were created by my various traumas I survived as a child. Being in my early twenties, my mentality at the time was not about healing unless it involved a doctor. The psychiatric doctor I had in Minnesota preferred overmedication. I truly thought the pain management doctor, that mentioned almost every issue I had was related to my mindset, was crazy. Looking back, I see that he was not crazy. In fact, he was helping me in a way I had no clue would later become my reality when I had to learn to love myself more than anyone else in order to find the true, real me.

I had a horrible relationship as an adult with a man I dated for twenty-two and a half months abused me in every way possible. The time that changed my life when I realized I needed to take care of me was not after my cats had been thrown against the wall. Nor was it the time that same man almost ran me over with the car I gave him. No, the time I learned I had to accept me for me was when that same man threatened harm to my unborn niece and or me if I ever got pregnant by him.

I decided that my desire to have children meant more to me than anything in this world. I was able to leave that relationship when something greater than myself warranted it. Knowing that relationship would not lead to marriage or having children I kicked him out of my house with help from a friend of mine who knew I was being abused. If my friend had not helped me I would not be here. Being pushed as far as I was, my body was sending out warning signs by causing me to get sick and letting me know that the life I had needed to change. I was very overmedicated and a mess. Leaving that person was the best move forward towards loving and accepting myself.

My past traumas as a child led to that abusive relationship. The past traumas with years of traditional talk therapy never got me to self-love or acceptance. After that horrible relationship I was alone for about a year. In that time I came to learn loving myself meant setting boundaries of who I will allow into my life and trusting my intuition. I learned if my cats don’t like someone to trust the cats. My cats knew in the first meeting if that person was bad news. (My cats acted out against the man that abused me regularly which was out of character for them.) Receiving hypnotherapy brought the healing of self-worth and self-love at a rapid pace. This ceased post-traumatic stress disorder from social services along with fibromyalgia and the migraines I had previously.

According to a recent study cited in Cosmopolitan, in the US, only about 28 percent of men and 26 percent of women are “very satisfied with their appearance.” Could you talk about what some of the causes might be, as well as the consequences?

There are many reasons why people may be unsatisfied with their appearance. For example, some body image issues can stem from a history of abuse that occurred as a child prior to the age of fourteen years old. From conception to around eight years old is the most crucial developmental time in our lives that forms our success later in life. It is also determined by the main caregiver at first followed by those in our environment. It is during this stage of life we are in a hyper suggestible state taking everything in as the absolute truth even if it is not. We all believed Santa was real as a child and well now that would be ridiculous to believe as an adult.

What happens is when we have our parents shaming us for gaining weight, like I had done by my adopted dad saying I would be sent to “fat” camp as a child, my brain did not know if “fat” camp was real or not. It knew I was fat because my adopted dad said I was. Which meant based on how I was treated that being fat was not acceptable and therefore not worthy and not beautiful. Now being told that is not considered abusive. However, being told about being fat even when I was about ten pounds overweight as an example led to my adult life as being fat. This is a consequence of shaming a child which shame means, “I am a mistake, and nothing can fix it.” Guilt is “I made a mistake, and I can fix it.”

With such low numbers of people being satisfied with their appearance, shame, abuse, some traumas can all be a result. This is because the subconscious would know our conscious mind is only 5% logic, reasoning and willpower. It makes sense that below the surface of who we are that the 95% would know our reasons as to why our self-love does not appear to be achievable in this case feeling better with our appearance. The great news is hypnotherapy is excellent in treating self-body image issues, self-value, and fixing self-worth issues among many more issues. We gain back our control upon treating our inner selves also known as our inner child.

As cheesy as it might sound to truly understand and “love yourself,” can you share with our readers a few reasons why it’s so important?

Since I wasn’t taught as a child that I was valuable, it led me to having a poor relationship with myself. It led to not trusting myself, self-doubt, poor self-esteem, and overall a poor lifestyle including health issues. As children our main caregivers and those in our environment in those early years prior to eight years old set us up for success or failure into our adult years by how we learn from them. It’s like an old saying goes, we reap what we sow. You would never work for an employer that yells at you or abuses you so why would anyone think doing that to a child is any different? The answer is it is a thousand times more detrimental to a child. The best thing anyone can do for a child has them learn to love the body God gave them the way it is. Explain to the child how special they are no matter what they look like or feel like.

Why do you think people stay in mediocre relationships? What advice would you give to our readers regarding this?

We are wired to be like our main caregivers. How they treat each other is directly reflected in how we grow up and treat those we get into relationships with. We grow up to marry someone like our main caregiver. For many it is our mother. It does not matter if we are a woman or a man we do marry our mothers if they were the main caregiver. For example in my relationship I recently saw the connection of how I married my mom through my husband of almost twelve years. My adopted dad, who abused me growing up, would get upset with electricity being used too much. This caused arguments over money. My mom would say there was no money for doing certain things because of the bills.

My husband does that to me, saying we have no money for things we want to do as we are in the growing business phase of life. That part of saying, “no money” with the bills is one example of the similarity. While my husband is not my mom it is a characteristic of what I grew up with. This realization recently helped me overcome my life script I had been taught for “no money” is the scarcity mindset.

These examples are why we stay in certain relationships as adults. We try to find someone similar to our main caregiver so we find similarities in the unconscious mind, safety, love and acceptance. Everyone desires safety, love and acceptance and our automatic behaviors from conception to eight years old will do anything to maintain that as long as it keeps us alive it will seek out the exact behavior, we need to sustain that life we need.

Our automatic behaviors are our habits. Addictions, traits, and more of the unconscious mind make up 95% of why we stay in relationships, while only 5% of why we stay in relationships is related to our conscious logic, reasoning, and willpower. This explains why we stay in the relationship even if our significant other is not a good choice. It’s the comfort of not having to change unless something bigger than ourselves warrants the need to change. Basically, hitting rock bottom forces changing for us to seek out better.

When I talk about self-love and understanding I don’t necessarily mean blindly loving and accepting ourselves the way we are. Many times self-understanding requires us to reflect and ask ourselves the tough questions, to realize perhaps where we need to make changes in ourselves to be better not only for ourselves but our relationships. What are some of those tough questions that will cut through the safe space of comfort we like to maintain, that our readers might want to ask themselves? Can you share an example of a time that you had to reflect and realize how you needed to make changes?

Whenever I am experiencing more stress than usual or I start having any new health issues, I ask myself: what is causing this? Is it the situations I have been in lately that I feel more stress from? When I am asking myself these questions I am in one of two places. I am in the shower and I finish the conversation with a solution to reinforce the mirrored image of the solutions I came up with to help myself to repeat back to myself. I have found when I tell myself solutions looking in the mirror I am not as critical or as mean to myself as I used to be.

The other place is when I am alone working on my inner healing at my office. When I am away from the distractions of everyday life with kids and my husband I have greater thinking for solutions while being in touch more with my inner child. We all have an inner child who is eager to please with goals, that truly wants the best of the best for us. Once we learn how to access our inner child, using hypnotherapy like I am able to, allows me to make the changes I desire faster and more efficiently. In this space of being quiet, I ask myself: am I happy? Am I doing what makes my soul feel happy? If I am not happy what can I do about it to change it? Do I need to change my outlook and attitude on the issue? Have I seen the issue from all sides? If I can’t change my view of it how can I accept the outcome to where I am still peaceful?

Asking yourself questions finds the solutions to your problems every time. Only you truly know what you desire and how to get there. We can ask others what they think all day long and do what they say. But the reality is… no one else is us. No one else thinks like us and therefore will never have the solutions to “fix” us or our lives until we learn to have the inner healing that self-love creates more of. The more I have learned to love myself for who I am the greater I am able to love my husband, our children, and those around me without judgment. Giving myself pep talks of “I can do it” helps out whenever I am facing something, I am scared to do that I have not done before. Yes, hypnotherapy works wonderfully for fear of the unknown as it’s 100% normal to be scared of the unknown. Our brain has this built-in fear system that can work for us once we learn how to use it properly instead of having it be used against us.

So many don’t really know how to be alone, or are afraid of it. How important is it for us to have, and practice, that capacity to truly be with ourselves and be alone (literally or metaphorically)?

While it is not in our design as people to be alone it can be a healthy experience at times. One benefit of being alone can be this greater awareness of ourselves in our true desires. We may not always speak about what we really feel about something for various reasons. Usually, it is related to fear from a prior experience as to why we don’t speak up. This alone time with ourselves can renew our internal relationship that reflects into the outer world. Even parents need time alone and away from their children, this is true for parents that are single or married. During time alone we can boost our immune system using hypnotherapy as quieting our minds leads to the greater subconscious awareness of the 95% of behaviors we can not normally see.

When it comes to relationships it’s also important to express to your loved ones that being alone even for five minutes allows you to recharge your internal battery. We spend time charging our electronics, so it only makes logical sense to allow ourselves the right to experience inner peace, joy and happiness. For many, the only way to reduce stress and get that experience is to have time alone to reflect on our needs.

How does achieving a certain level of self-understanding and self-love then affect your ability to connect with and deepen your relationships with others?

Achieving time alone even in short increments improves understanding of ourselves and what we desire for ourselves. It also allows us to see our main focus and if what we are attracting into our lives is good or bad. For those who believe in the law of attraction, that time alone boosts our focus to put energy into more of what we do want in life. If we want relationships to improve it makes sense that during our time alone we figure ourselves out. Once that happens relationships can improve overall personally or professionally.

In your experience, what should a) individuals and b) society, do to help people better understand themselves and accept themselves?

In order to better understand and accept ourselves, we need to focus on healing the inner child. While most of it is unintentional, there is trauma, shame and guilt placed onto every child as we learn from our main caregivers and early environment growing up. Telling your child they were bad for coloring on the walls is shame-based teaching. That later creates more shame in their subconscious mind. The subconscious mind is where 95% of our automatic behaviors, thoughts, habits, etc goes to seek more “bad” behaviors. We want to avoid this! Instead, redirecting the child to the appropriate place to color builds their self-esteem, instead of destroying it.

My bias is unique as I was adopted and my adopted dad abused me whereas my biological dad did not. My son, Miracle, was taken from me without proof by Minnesota child protection at four days old. These unique experiences taught me a lot about how to help myself in order to help others.

Children who are adopted at any age already have trauma that occurred as that separation from parents causes shame, guilt, anger, self-doubt, worthlessness and many more emotions that are not expressed by non-adopted children. There are studies that prove this time and time again. Over five million people are adopted in the United States which is one in fifty children. What can we do about this?

We must recognize that shame is at the root of all addictions and that our children accept everything they see, hear, taste, touch and smell as absolute truth from conception to eight years old. For society to improve as a whole (based on everything I have studied and continue to study about our behaviors and why we do what we do) it truly comes down to healing the inner child that is just craving some self-love. To love ourselves is to accept ourselves and only then can we move into healing. It must start with ourselves before we can help others.

What are 5 strategies that you implement to maintain your connection with and love for yourself, that our readers might learn from? Could you please give a story or example for each?

1. Spending time alone with God reading the Bible for at least fifteen minutes daily has been the biggest connection towards feeling self-love. I experience more self-love when I am in prayer. My favorite Bible is the one written by Joyce Meyers, BattleField of the Mind Bible. It is true all our battles do begin in our mind. Achieving self-love to know our worth is one of the most powerful battles we can win. It does take time, courage, and consistency of renewing our minds daily to focus on the positives in life.

2. Listening to, The Official Steve Harvey’s YouTube, “Motivated” daily helps keep my mind focused on the positives and what I desire in life. Listening to Steve Harvey has helped me on the days I don’t feel my best. I remember how far I have come in my life when I listen to Steve tell his story. It keeps me going.

3. I have my own amazing hypnotherapist, Palmer, who has helped me tremendously with making small changes in life that last using the Mental Bank program. Having my own hypnotherapist has allowed me to better serve others while I am continuously working on myself.

4. I strongly believe there is no way I can properly help anyone unless I too am working on myself. I practice what I teach to others. An example of this would be mental and emotional release therapy. I have done it myself many times so I know how it will help a client or not.

5. Daily practice of where I focus my thoughts in silence. When my thoughts drift to negative I immediately stop and refocus to a new activity.

What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources for self-psychology, intimacy, or relationships? What do you love about each one and how does it resonate with you?

I have read Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages and Relationship Strategies: The E&P Attraction by John G. Kappas. Beyond those two books, I actually prefer to observe older seniors. Why? Many in society seem to forget the wealth of knowledge many older seniors possess. If I could be a sponge to absorb all their knowledge to use for myself I would. I believe most of them have a life of enjoyment figured out from years of fixing their marriages. I ask them questions about how to stay married for so long. How did life work after their children left home? What is the secret to staying married? Many I ask happily respond with various answers. The most common ones I keep getting is to have time alone from each other in order to build up trust, to never stop dating each other, to always make time for the other person, to put the other person in the relationship first, and that compromise is everything when arguing occurs.

You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? Maybe we’ll inspire our readers to start it…

Slow down to think about your life, evaluating what you will regret at the end of it. When my Grandma-in-Law died in October 2019 she told my husband and I on her deathbed that, “She wishes things had been different for us”. To this day, my husband and I do not know what part of “us” she meant. Was it her relationship with her grandson, who was more like a son, as her and her husband raised him for more than 50% of his childhood? Or was it the relationship that I had with her that got destroyed when Minnesota Child Protection Services took my son away? Or was it the lack of support from family we all had collectively? Or the lack of money coming in that kept us from living the life God meant for us? My husband and I do not know and we will never know the answers to what she meant.

When you take your last breath on earth, what will your deathbed regrets be? When you sit alone with your thoughts, your unconscious (subconscious) mind already knows the answers. It was only after asking myself this question that I was able to shift my focus more to what type of legacy I am really leaving. Am I leaving this world with anger for working too much? Am I leaving this world helping as many people as I was allowed to help while I was here? The last question pushed me further and continues to push me which is why I started shifting my business towards getting my message out the fastest way I know how. Helping as many people as I can before God takes me home is my mission in life. I don’t want the regret that many people have of overworking for a job I am replaceable at, when instead I can live a life of joy helping others.

So, the movement I would inspire would be focusing on inner healing as there is nothing more powerful you can do for yourself than to heal your inner child. Relationships with yourself, your family, your work, and your ability to understand others greatly improve to the point where you have respect to see things from the other person’s point of view instead of a selfish point of view.

Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote” that you use to guide yourself by? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life and how our readers might learn to live by it in theirs?

“The power of life and death is in the tongue.” It is stated in the Bible many times and it reminds me I can use my tongue to speak negatively to hurt someone, myself included, or I can choose to build up others by speaking positively to them. It is a powerful reminder of how our words affect our mind, body and soul. While studying Hypnotherapy from Hypnosis Motivation Institute, where I earned my diploma, I started quickly realizing the power of our words. At one point I was told that the Bible is what every self-help book is based on. I have found this to be true from the ones I have read so far.

I make sure, when I catch others saying how dumb they are, that they learn to rephrase how they see themselves by instead saying how smart they are. This is so important since our subconscious mind does not know if we are joking or not. The subconscious takes what we tell ourselves as absolute fact. We are 100% suggestible (hypnotizable) to ourselves. This makes having a professional like myself, who knows how to use it to empower you even more, vital to achieving the life you desire. The wording is everything even in vision boards.

Thank you so much for your time and for your inspiring insights!

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