Relationships tend to be quite confronting, especially when we hit those places where we don’t have as much approval or play.
For those who’ve been in a long term relationship will know that it is not always fun, smooth and beautiful.
For me, I love my partner a lot, and we also go through periods when I am unsure or doubt this relationship, when I get tired of it being so uncomfortable (cos yes, Intimacy can get very uncomfortable) and having to constantly ‘do the work’, when I feel powerless over my own feelings and all I wanna do is run away so I don’t have to face that constant discomfort of looking into mirror.
Yes, the looking into mirror in those moments when all I want do is to hide.
We’ve been together for quite some time (it’s going to be 7 years), so definitely know each other quite well at this point and yet we ended up in this really tough spot with each other some time ago. We were fighting a lot, couldn’t quite understand each other, felt constantly wronged or shamed. It’s like nothing I said was right and nothing he said was right.
I thought that’s it, we are done and we won’t make it through this one.
There, in the middle of all of it feeling so painful and triggering, I remembered words from one of my teachers: “Relationships are better to be left on the peak when things feel good, not when things are messed up”.
That’s deeply ingrained in my soul now.
It is true that we keep attracting the same ‘life lessons’ or similar situation until we get it, until one day we go through it and don’t need to face that thing anymore. It’s like we ‘upgrade’.
I realised that I have this very specific pattern in my relationships and it repeats, while i am the common dominator.
There is a reason why we ended up in this spot, for all the conditioning I have that brings me into this place in every relationship I have had.
So this time around I can be more conscious.
The options are:
a) I can quit and repeat this cycle in the next relationship and know that I’ll be in this spot again in the next one… or
b) I can choose to do the deeper work and look at what is the deeper pattern running me and how to untangle this tough place and move forward
For that I can stay and face it here with a willing man that my husband is.
I had plenty of support from my sisters and friends, my mentors and coach; so no, don’t think I did that all on my own. That would seem way too difficult.
So I stayed and decide to face whatever there was to face and see what is needed for me to open my heart to him again and maybe even sit for a moment in the place of ‘I’m not sure where to go from here’ and really to feel all that discomfort. I dag deeper inside of the whole pattern and conditioning that’s been driving me inside of it.
It was well worth it, as after a dip like this, something more beautiful comes on the other side.
The intimacy deepened, connection got stronger and we learnt so much more about each other, we faced the discomfort of saying honest things that were so deeply challenging.
Our bond and relationship got so much stronger and our hearts opened more to each other.
Suddenly I started to see him with a very different perspective and as if the whole time of disconnection, discomfort and unpleasant feelings were there to show us how much more there is available and possible in this relationship.
It’s a journey, an enriching one, but for sure not always pleasant. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Ups and downs are all part of the process, part of the journey.