When did I last love me most ,when was I last proud of me? I found myself asking this questions recently as I was reflecting on my life and was surprised that, actually, it took me some time to remember. Honestly, I have allowed life to just go by and let my happiness and things that bring me pleasure, contentment and a sense of being in my own life be controlled by outside factors. I recently walked out of a relationship that was emotionally draining and it was one of those that the best of me was not being appreciated, did not matter and it was always like walking on egg shells every single day and time. It had taken all of my energy, motivation to life and just me in person. What sucked for me the most is one time my sister pointed out that I had changed to the negative , I was not dressing up, I was always defensive and was not giving the world the best version of me. Of course during that time downplayed it and gave all sort of excuses to defend me. (being defensive was easier)
When I finally walked away, I was excited and happy about it but it dawned on me that the work to redefine me and authenticate my life had just began and It’s a journey. It has its better days and bad days like questioning myself up on how I could allow me to be in such a situation and forget my worth. The brighter side I am now present in my own thoughts, life and what matters to me. I am experiencing the happiness and joy is trickle in.
These questions, when did I last love me and when was I last proud of me were a wake up call and a really huge one. Thinking about them tears rolled from my eyes as I discovered I given up on me, the dreams I always wanted to accomplish, my worth, happiness and waited on someone else to validate me. They have become a starting point and a guiding light in the changes am making in my life together with the goals that I am putting in place not just for me but for my son too. Some of my happy moments were when I celebrated my birthdays in a children’s home in my neighborhood. I bought special food for them went to the home and cooked and after lunch, we all enjoyed the cake and some goodies. This day was a celebration and my family always came to support me. Another time was visiting this boy’s school near my home to give a a motivational talk. The beautiful part is as I write this is I am smiling. This were some of my happiest and proudest moments. They have become my source of inspiration as I re-write my affirmations and redefine who I am.
As I recover, I have purposed to remember these moments that meant so much and still mean so much to me. I am incorporating them in my goals, dreams and the accomplishments I want to achieve. Those things are what I think about when I wake up in the morning and think of last when I sleep. I am also allowing myself to dream again, rediscover again and redefine what life means to me and my son. I have written down affirmations that are creating a new song in my sub conscious mind that remind me the source of my worth is from my Father in heaven and its all within me. Also am recreating the old that mattered to me and creating new memories like this year on my birthday, my best friend and I are planning to go for zip lining.
Growing up, before life got hectic and complicated, we had this big dreams of becoming pilots, engineers, doctors etc. without much attention to actually what it took to get to those dreams,we visualized our homes, the kind posh cars we would drive, the schools we would take our children, the posh neighborhood we would live in and there was no price tag those days are what am talking about they should bring back a spark. Remember those days and craft your life again with all the current circumstances around you. Dream again, Re ignite those dreams and goals again. Give yourself permission to dream again. We have so much free time on our plates currently with Corona virus keeping us at home. Let something positive come out if this dark season. Be present emotionally, physically and emotionally. Be safe be positive and stay home.