This month is Mental health awareness month…I wanted to share with you that a positive outcome is possible.
Throughout the last 4 years, I have made massive shifts in my life, not all good, and many I have beed judged for by others over and over again…… but those judgers didn’t walk in my shoes daily, ………
In my early twenties I found myself in a cycle of self sabotage with food.
In my thirties I went through the most traumatic phase of my life, with a toxic relationship that had me wanting to end my life on a daily basis…and not just mine, I didn’t want to leave my children and thoughts of how I could take them with me when I wanted to end my life, I didn’t want to leave them behind…..I’m horrified to look back and think that those darkest moments had me creating ideas in my mind of how I could take not only my own life but the life of 2 innocent children! I fought to leave the place that I lived with the constant cycle of manipulation from the ex that had driven me to that state……I was denied by the courts to take my children….and then I decided to leave without them……at that time their father had then stated that he wouldn’t have them full time and that I could not leave!!! Again trying to manipulate me…so I booked a flight for all of us and hoped that once away things would settle…that wasn’t the case, he got wind, and at the airport my children were taken away from me by police and security………The police man said to me “if you can get on that flight and go before he arrives, theres nothing we can do”, ‘I hope you make the flight in time”….I didn’t..and I watched them be escorted to their father.
The shame, humiliation and utter fear of continuing in the toxic cycle I had already endured, and my boys, for 4 years had to end…I knew in my heart if I had stayed I would have ended my life to make it all just go away……so I took the flight…..
I moved to a country thousands of miles away, then had a mother court case to allow me permission (their mum who had been their full time mum their entire life!!) The permission was granted, the trauma was real and lots of rebuilding was needed not just for myself but for my boys.
I did’t eat, I didn’t sleep, If I slept then I slept because I didn’t want to wake up….
But I found a way, I started to rebuild so I could be strong for when I did have my children, every visit was so painful because I knew they would be leaving again.
I lived with anxiety and panic attacks, the doctors did offer any help other than anti-depressants and sleeping tablets! I didn’t take the anti depressants but I did take the sleeping tablets, and I did try to take them all at once and Tried to take my own life because the pain of not being with my children was more difficult than living in the conflict that was when we were all together………..There were no therapists offered to speak to at that time and I guess shame jolted me from taking to anyone about it.
A major turning point was when I almost lost my life, and not of my own choice this time, it was in a car accident, when I woke up and I was being pulled from the car, I hadn’t a clue what had happened, when I saw my face hours later and my inability to move …My question to the universe was: “why didn’t I just die?”
I kept repeating this over and over for 2 months as I recovered, and underwent test after test and finally a diagnoses as to why I had passed out whilst driving, ………………and until then I had wanted my life OVER daily.
It transpires that I had developed Vasovagal Syncope, symptoms from stress triggers! I would often feel dizzy and then would just pass out, this time it could have been fatal!
It wasn’t my time, but why wasn’t it? I didn’t want to live any more.
The doctors wanted to prescribe drugs etc after undergoing all the tests, but thats not the road I was going down, if I was going to beet this then I needed to do it without drugs.
My healthy eating lifestyle already existed, I was a personal trainer after all, but it needed more, it needed self belief and no more self sabotage.
So I had an epiphany moment, something had shifted….
“I am a mum, even though I no longer lived with my boys because of a toxic relationship I WAS STILL A MUM, and my boys needed me near or far”
My purpose on this planet is to help other women”
I am here to help them understand and truly believe that life does’nt always need to be a struggle..that women are incredible beings and worthy of living their happiest life
I am here to help them understand their own bodies and how they work and to understand what does’nt work for them
I am here to give women permission to love their bodies Unapologetically”
I am here to share the true sense of self belief
I am here to work with women to avoid a battle with themselves and a belief they are worthless because of what others may have said.
The purpose of my life was CLEAR now, I had to learn all the hard lessons of self sabotage, anorexia, bulimia, repeated toxic relationships, and why did I need to learn???…..so that I can step out and help so many others….
A journey began of even more holistic healing with food and mindfulness and learning how to cope with stressful scenarios in a far calming manner and always reminding myself that I can cope differently and survive.
So today I say thank you for all the lessons I have learned and the journeys and I am grateful to be able to work with women to help them achieve the same.