A peek into an adoptive mom’s brain the night before ‘handover’ day

A Tribute on World Adoption Day

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The moment we met our youngest son.
Today is World Adoption Day. Life has been so hectic since we brought our little B home that I haven’t taken the time to digest the quick notes I pumped into my phone between doctor appointments, embassy meetings, getting adjusted and the blessed, blessed, bedtime. Well, I figured today is the perfect day to share.

We adopted our little guy on July 26th, 2017 from Bogota, Colombia. 
We are already the proud parents of an eight-year-old son who was born after an arduous infertility journey. He is our miracle, our only pregnancy. But we always knew he would not be our only child. And so, about four years after our first, we decided that an international adoption from my home country of Colombia was the right answer for us. We did take a stab at adopting an infant in the United States, but that journey wasn’t for us. But that’s a story for another day.  Following is the note I wrote myself as I lay in bed crying hysterically (snot dripping, deep breathing kind of crying) waiting for the morning we were meeting our son to arrive. I was sleeping next to our son, giving him some extra time with mama before his little brother joined his forever family.

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2:00 AM, July 26, 2017.  Holy Lord! What a tidal wave of emotions I am feeling right now. I’m having an emotional breakdown as I await the newest member of our family. It’s 2 AM on the morning we are to meet Benjamin. Why am I crying? How could I feel like this?

I didn’t expect it to feel bittersweet. And yet, as I hear my little miracle sleep next to me, I can’t help but feel like it’s the end of such a special era of our life. The three of us. It’s been so special, bonding, raising, loving this little guy. He was always meant to be, and I know that the wait for our second was meant to take this long because it allowed our time with L to be this incredible. I am afraid of what this change will do to him in the short-term, I am afraid he will feel something was taken rather than added to his life. But we’ll just have to find our way.

Jesus…

And now there will be four. I have so much anxiety, fear that little B will be feeling so scared and lonely tomorrow. The loss he will have, getting pulled out of the only home he knew and pushed into a car to his future. At his age, there is no way he can conceptualize that he will never see his foster “mama” again. I know it’s for the best, but he comes to us without yet understanding how much love we are all gaining because our fates were aligned many, many moons ago. I know that.

But him? He doesn’t get it. He will be walked into some raggedy building tomorrow to meet complete strangers. The strangers that took him from everything he knows. I am freaking out because I AM ALREADY his mom, which means his pain is already my pain. His worries, mine. How will it be?

Tomorrow. 2:30 PM, in twelve hours – a new life. New beginnings and an incredible challenge in the days ahead. I wish we were home and not in a stranger’s AirBnB apartment. But this is how the process works. Tomorrow. We will find the strength… won’t we? We will. We always have.  Now, I will try to find my way to some sleep. Writing always helps. Always.

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Follow our adventures on Instagram. For National Adoption Month, I have been publishing the A to Z’s of our adoption story, which I will publish here starting tomorrow. If you are thinking about adopting and have any questions, feel free to reach out to me anytime.

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