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Never Settle: How to Upgrade the Relationship You Have With Yourself

Now isn't the time to settle. Now is the time to uplevel.

Are you looking to build more confidence? Perhaps you want to gain clarity in your life or direction in your business? Or maybe you want to find love or improve your current relationship? People seek life coaching for a variety of reasons. As a life coach, I’ve seen enough to know that you’re never alone in whatever you’re searching for.

No matter what the initial intention is for seeking a coach, the first course of action is always the same: to improve your relationship with yourself. I assume this isn’t the first time you’ve heard, “if you want to have a relationship with someone else, have a relationship with yourself first.” I think Carrie Bradshaw said it best, “don’t forget to fall in love with yourself first.”

It doesn’t matter whether you’re single or married, have a business or work for a company—no matter where you are in life, your relationship with yourself is undoubtedly the most important. 

If you think yours could use an upgrade, below are five simple steps to elevate the relationship you have with yourself so that, eventually, all of the other wonderful things you’re looking for in life will follow. When exploring the below, go device-free for the best results! 

1. Spend quality time by yourself

Yes, I said quality time with yourself. But don’t just take time alone, make it valuable. Let’s put this into context. If you were to call up a long-lost friend, what kind of interaction would you want to have with her? My guess is that you’d want to ask her how she’s doing, find out what she’s been up to, and make your interaction about reconnecting. This is what I mean by quality time with yourself—reconnect and ask questions. Spend the evening journaling, meditating, and reflecting on where you are in your life and where you want to be. Maybe you make yourself a delicious healthy meal and pour yourself a glass of red wine or draw yourself a bath. Whatever you do, make it about reconnecting to YOU.

2. Go out for a full day or night on your own

I know from working with many working moms, the immediate question becomes, “How?!” Trust me, it’s possible; NOTHING is impossible. If you prioritize yourself and your needs, you can and will make this happen. Plus, it’s an amazing reset button. The next level is to go away for a weekend on your own, but one day is still a great start. For the daytime, choose some of your favorite activities and indulge. By indulge, I mean, really treat yourself. Take yourself out to dinner or lunch. Have a glass of champagne or go to a sophisticated restaurant and enjoy a nice, full meal. Give yourself the birthday treatment—even if it’s not your birthday! My tip for nighttime self-dates? Put on a sexy dress or bold lipstick (whatever gets you feeling your sexiest), as if you’re dressing up for a date. Some of my best nights have been when I take myself out for a date, get dressed all sexy, and hit the town. It doesn’t have to be anything wild, but it’s fun and empowering to get dolled up for no one but you! 

3. Move your body

Get off your couch and get moving! Workout when you can, even if it’s a short 10-minute sequence (Melissa Wood Health has some of my favorite exercises). Go for walks in nature or walk to pick up your food instead of ordering delivery. Go on your rooftop if you live in the city, and if you’re blessed enough to live with a lot of SPACE, go take up space! Try a dance or Zumba class, go to yoga or pilates, or even dance in your living room. Whatever it is that gets you moving, try it! And because you’re disconnecting from your cell, promise yourself to be fully present in your body. Ask your body what she needs—tap into this connection and enjoy it! Make movement part of your intimate connection with yourself. From there, prioritize movement in all areas of your life.

4. Challenge yourself

Have there been certain things that you’ve been avoiding addressing? If you’re looking for a self-relationship update, now is the time to get real. Ask yourself why you’ve been avoiding said thing and dive in. Dive into the discomfort and challenge yourself by confronting anything that’s been bothering you. Whether it be starting that business you’ve always wanted, or having that difficult conversation with your loved one, do it. NOW is the time. You then get the opportunity to check-in with yourself and look at all that happened within YOU, not the other party. How did you feel? How did you grow? In what other ways can you expand—right now—knowing you’re capable of walking courageously through the tough stuff? 

5. Make all of the above consistent habits

Upgrading your relationship with yourself is not a one-night stand. This is an ongoing commitment, as you would be committed to any other important person in your life. If this feels like a challenge, look at your commitment patterns in other areas of your life. Have you been de-valuing commitments to others? Your level of engagement in other areas of your life may be a direct reflection of the value you’re putting on your relationship with yourself. If you’re not engaged with yourself, how will you create these upgrades when you’re building or growing in relationships and life? Consistency is critical.

Once you upgrade your relationship to yourself, your entire life will naturally start to change. You’ll be lighter, happier, more joyful, and more at ease. No matter where you’re going, starting with YOU is always the best place to begin. The uplevel is real. Are you ready for it?

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- MARCUS AURELIUS

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