Recently my Business Mentor asked me what made me choose to do the work that I do. I sensed how something got stirred inside. The memory of the exact moment when I had made that choice unconsciously came to my mind.
It was Mother’s day in 2010. We celebrate it on the second Sunday of May in Finland. I had flown from Spain for this occasion. My sisters and I surprised my Mom with a cake and spent a lovely afternoon together. It felt like a huge blessing to have a day like this. We took some photos with smiles on our face yet there was a deep sadness inside. We all knew that this was going to be the last Mother’s day that we got to celebrate.
She was terminally ill.
I did my best to swallow my tears and just focus on the precious moment we still got to spend together, and I so wished that there would be more. My Mom was the one who had opened the door to see what can’t be seen with my own eyes, I consider her as my first spiritual teacher as she had shown me the way to connect with intuition, be aware of the energy around me and interpret dreams, I had grown up thinking that it was a normal way to be.
When my Mom went back to bed to get some rest, I gave her some Reiki energy so that she could feel even more peace. After a while, she thanked me and said to me “There is this pain in my chest and I’m not able to let it go, I’ll carry it with me until the end.”
I knew exactly what she meant.
I had known about it all my life. There were all the tears that she had not cried, all the grief and hurt captured inside. The loss of a loved one, a loss of her own child, is something that I can’t describe. There are no words to tell you the pain she must have felt to get the news that her little boy was dead. Yet, she found somehow the strength to carry on, take care of my sisters and two years later I was born.
Since my brother had died, my Mom could not cry. There were no tears of sorrow, no tears of joy. She was aware of that and that was the way she chose to be.
Her fragile hand was holding mine. She said “Dear child, learn from mine and you’ll be fine.”
As a Mother wants a better life for her child, she was holding a mirror in front of my eyes. I could see my own pain that I had not healed, I had pushed it deep down and pretended that it could stay there unseen.
When I was sixteen, one party night had got an ending extreme. My boyfriend had decided that he could no longer be. He took his own life and left me behind asking a question why. The grief crushed my heart, I felt that I could not carry on as I felt everything was gone. I could not see how I ever could go through the pain, I just wanted to close my eyes and die. All I saw was darkness surrounding me, I felt that I could no longer breathe. I made plans to end my misery.
It was an early morning, I left the house without leaving a note, I walked to the river that had robbed my brother and I said it could take me too, I simply couldn’t see this life through. I had no will to live, I believed that life had nothing else to give. All it had given me was pain and misery. My heart could not take more so it would be better for me to go.
I took steps forward determined to end it all. The cold water was up to my knees when a thought like a flash of light came to my mind, I remembered my brother who had drowned here. I thought about my parents who would be mourning for their second child. I did not want to put them through more pain. I felt their Love, it filled me. It gave me strength, it gave me a spark of hope that maybe I could carry on for them if I couldn’t do it for me. Maybe there were many Angels on my side, but I feel that it was my brother who kept me alive. I turned back and chose life.
Yet for years I pushed the grief deep down as otherwise, I felt that I would have drowned.
My Mom’s gentle touch got me back from that old track. She encouraged me to find a new way. Breakthrough the pattern, let go of the hurt. Heal my heart and then share my work.
That was a moment that changed the direction of my life.
I could no longer deny, I could no longer hide. I found more teachers and guides to help me through, show me the steps to heal those wounds. I started to see my life from Soul’s point of view, that was when Light started to shine through.