“If this is success than why the hell am I so miserable?!”
My life hasn’t always been like it is today. In fact, if you were to meet me just a few short years ago, you may think I was unrecognizable.
Back then, and for most of my adult life, I was a complete people pleaser. I would stretch myself so thin; always putting others’ needs before my own. I did what I thought I was supposed to do; no complaints as anything else would be selfish. I was determined to do it all on my own because, in my mind, asking for help was a sign of weakness and having downtime would mean I was lazy. Just like we see so often today, I thought my value and worth were defined by how busy and stressed I was.
My life was always in a constant state of struggle. I did everything the hard way because I thought a good life required hard work. I continually made poor choices and never learned from my mistakes. This cost me both a lot of time and money. My mind was always occupied by thought which was exhausting and yet, when I went to bed I couldn’t sleep because of course, I was still thinking. I was completely scattered, unfocused, and always in a hurry. After all, to be busy meant I was worthy of success.
I saw people living out their passions and I needed to know what it was they were doing differently.
In my 30’s I had reached what society would consider success. I was married with two beautiful girls, had a nice husband, we were living in a white house that had white picket fence and all. It was straight out of a cliche American television program. Driving our white cars, my husband going off to work while I stayed home with our kids. On paper, I was living the dream but if this was success then why the hell was I so miserable?
The feelings of guilt around my misery ran deep. I was so fortunate and thought I should be nothing but grateful.
Around this time, in my mid-30’s, I began to ‘wake up’ and explore other lifestyle possibilities. I had read about meditation and decided to give it a try. My first attempt lasted a whopping 30 seconds. I couldn’t grasp the concept that doing nothing was somehow productive. We were in the middle of a huge renovation and there was a never ending list of things to be done. Besides that, we had just taken on a bed and breakfast business as well as a cafe. Since I defined my self-worth on how busy I was and needed external validation, I tried to do this all on my own, with two small children and nearly zero help. Of course, it wasn’t long before I was completely burnt out. I was terrified to tell my husband that I was depressed because he always saw me as super woman. There was also an investor in the cafe that needed to be paid back. When I told him that I can’t do this any more his reply was: “What will the people in town think?”
For the first time in my life I didn’t care what others thought. It was in this moment that I began to take my power back.
Later, I realized this was my soul saying stop, no more. This was the beginning of a whole new journey. I spoke to a friend of mine who sent me a book called ‘The Untethered Soul.’ It was the first spiritual book I had read and it unlocked something deep within my core. There it was, in plane sight; body, mind, SOUL! Unfortunately until this book fell into my lap, I had never considered this concept at all. Our soul is the essence of our being yet it took me well over thirty years for these principles to arrive in my life.
After that, I read a book on the chakra system and energy anatomy. I felt like I had finally found the missing piece to the puzzle I had been searching for. I always ate healthy and practiced a positive thinking but I suffered with stomach problems for more than 20 years. Not once did it occur to me that these stomach issues were suppressed emotions.
It would normally take me around 3 months to read a book. But due to the information and wisdom that I was absorbing, I was finished in 24 hours. Learning about the chakra system and energy anatomy was a turning point for me. I knew in that moment I wanted to be a Medical Intuitive. I had never experienced such clarity in my life and I was willing to do what ever it took to be of service to the world in this way.
The was only one problem: I thought you had to be born with a special gift. As far as I knew, I wasn’t physic (until I learned we are all born physic). In the mean time I read every book I could find talking about energy healing, quantum physics, soul contracts, I was inhaling the information and couldn’t get enough.
Eventually, I found myself in my first Reiki Session. As soon as she laid her hands on me, my initial reaction was ‘What the fuck was that?!’ Never had I felt such clarity and unconditional love in life. Could I also learn this? The answer was yes. Anyone can learn to give Reiki. So I threw myself in to this methodology learning all that I could but my heart and soul knew if an opportunity to become a medical intuitive presented itself, I would jump.
Everything seemed to be going great. I was on a new path that was in alignment with my soul. My zest for life returned but almost simultaneously things got even more chaotic.
When you begin to heal, anything that doesn’t belong in your life will begin to dissipate. If you’re not aware of this it can be quite confusing. It may show up in many ways that are perceived as negative. In my case I found out my husband was having an affair, lost my job and had to sell our house.
As you heal, everything that’s not a vibrational match leaves. This is where you have to learn to let go and trust in the path that we know aligns with our soul.
For most people this is difficult. The natural tendency is to resist, contract and try to hold on to the familiar security of the known.
It’s common to hear people say their life turned to chaos once they started meditation. Think of it like renovating a house. There is dust, debris and an absolute mess before your arrive at the desired outcome. As I dug deeper into my soul, my life completely changed. Within two months I was living in a new apartment, in a new city where I knew no one in attempt to build a more authentic life.
One day I came across a reiki master and she shared a story explaining that during a session she had x-ray vision into the person she was working on and immediately knew she was a medical intuitive. I researched her and found out she was giving courses in America. As soon as I could, I jumped on a plane to the United States. This was the most pivotal moment of my life. I couldn’t believe I was in America studying exactly what I was meant to do! A dream come true is an understatement.
When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it.
– Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
The more evidence of this that is presented to you, the more you learn to act with unshakable faith that it is all working in your favor.
I lived in suffering and struggle for so much of my life until I found Reiki, meditation and medical intuitive work. Through this ever expanding journey, I have learned that endless suffering is unnecessary and we are capable of living with much more freedom, ease and joy than we are led to believe.
Of course, we all have our trials and tribulations. We all go through adversity. This is necessary for growth to occur. It’s a messy process of letting go and surrender that happens as we begin to realize what we truly are at the center of our core.
I know now that success is becoming conscious; about tapping into ourselves in our most authentic form; about giving our gifts and our own joy to the world; to actively contribute to our own expansion. As we do this we will be challenged by our egos, by our conditioned ways of thinking; showing up in the form of limiting patterns and belief systems; both from this life as well as inherited trauma, past lives, and ancestral wounds.
My greatest passion is helping people free themselves from this old paradigm that we mistake for absolute truth. I have lived on both sides of the spectrum and found that the later is a life worth living while the former is merely survival.
There is nothing greater than the true freedom that comes from living in complete authenticity. The internal peace, joy and unconditional love for yourself and those around you is unparalleled.
To embody and live in a fully aligned, unrestricted expression of your truest self is the greatest gift you can give to the world.
Let this story be a reminder it is never too late to tap into your source of pure authenticity and live a soul-aligned life.