I think this is something that has taken me years to uncover. I am not the person I was before infertility. That is why I didn’t recognize myself when it was over. My interests and dreams were changed. My ability to plan my life was gone, and I felt I was standing at the end of a nasty road asking-what now?!
Infertility took me to the darkest places of my being, but I THOUGHT my way back.
I felt utterly disconnected from everyone and everything, but there was a person still here in the mirror starring back at me. I had to get to know her. She was bent and twisted nearly beyond repair, but I found another path for her to follow. Did it happen over night. NO! Not even within a year, it took nearly three years for me to feel a connection to the person I saw in the mirror. I had aged, both physically and spiritually, beyond anything I had experienced before. I didn’t have to just figure out what made me happy, I had to understand a whole new belief system. An awakening to the world I had never known before. I was able to see things that faded to black in the eyes of pre-infertility me. The person I am/was post-infertility was so different, her family didn’t understand who she was anymore.
I had to unzip and step out of that person, I had to leave her behind. She was angry, sad and lost. I couldn’t identify with her anymore, it literally was about survival. I could sit in the devastation that was her and her memories, or I could choose to let it go, move forward and try not to carry the bad into the new life I had to create.
Am I sad that the person I was before no longer exists? Maybe, she was more light hearted and laughed more. But I think that is just a phase I haven’t gotten to yet. I believe I will be able to loosen up again, and see the world is not so serious all the time. But, I think that is what comes next, what comes after acceptance. I am very close to fully accepting the fact that I couldn’t have children. (I do just fine, until I am ambushed by a pregnancy announcement.).
The experiences I have had with infertility have not only left scars on my heart, but has left an imprint on my soul. I am infinitely changed because of this. Some may ask, what would you change if you could? I say, I wouldn’t change anything. I now know every experience I have ever had has been to bring me to the point in my life where I am now. I also know that every experience I am currently having, is teaching me and preparing me for what lies ahead. So not only would I NOT change anything about my past experiences, I have learned to embrace them and be thankful for them.
Instead of asking why, I ask what am I supposed to be learning from this.
I now know that skipping even one moment, would change the whole trajectory of my existence. I am excited about the person I am becoming, and I want that to unfold just as it is meant to unfold.