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My divorce is almost done, but why do I still feel terrible?

It’s not the heat that’s making you feel bad! Lately, when I’m working with clients,  I keep hearing a common refrain. “My divorce is almost done, so why do I still feel terrible?” Everyone thinks they’re some weirdo–some freakish outlier because they still feel bad although the divorce is almost done, or even if they’ve […]

It’s not the heat that’s making you feel bad!

Lately, when I’m working with clients,  I keep hearing a common refrain.

“My divorce is almost done, so why do I still feel terrible?”

Everyone thinks they’re some weirdo–some freakish outlier because they still feel bad although the divorce is almost done, or even if they’ve been divorced for a while.

But if you’re feeling the same, I have some news for you.

Don’t blame yourself. It’s not you. It’s the Pain Impact Factor (PIF). 

No, that’s not the name of some WWE wrestling move. Nor is it a scary crazy warning that you read on WebMD. 

It’s actually the no-BS reason why you’re having a hard time, wondering why you haven’t “moved on,” or “gotten over it.” 

Here’s how I like to think of it. 

Say everything going on in your life before the divorce was perfect. And then you go through your divorce, which is a painful and stressful process for 99.99% of the population. 

That gives you a PIF of 1. 

Now, say you’re going through a divorce, but all your life, you’ve been dealing with self-esteem issues and lack of confidence because you’ve never thought you were “good enough” or worth it.

That multiplies the hellish feeling you’re experiencing by 10, so now your PIF is 10. 

Now, let’s say you’re dealing with divorce AND struggling with self-esteem AND have an emotionally-draining job. Or a health condition. Or other family drama. Your PIF goes from 10 to 100. Or 1000.

See how that works? 

When you’re struggling and wondering why you’re having such a hard time recovering and moving on, now you know. 

However, the Pain Impact Factor is not an excuse to do nothing. 

An increased PIF score does not give you a get-out-of-jail free card. 

You do not get to use it as an excuse to feel sorry for yourself or make yourself the victim.

It is a tool to help you understand why you’re feeling bad. It is the thing that you can refer back to on those days when you feel like you don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. It provides the context to be kind to yourself. 

Think of your divorce as the lid on Pandora’s Box. And when the lid opened, all the pain, hurt, anger, resentment, and past trauma that you have managed to keep inside comes flying out, saying,“Well, now that you’re here, deal with me! Deal with me! I need to be dealt with!”

Handling all those emotions and dealing with that trauma all at once can be exhausting. Heart-breaking. But you must. Because this is your life and you cannot live it scared to death of the things you must face. You must address them. And fight them. Even if it makes you scared. Or uncomfortable. Or anxious. 

Because your future and your well-being depend on it. 

Martha Bodyfelt is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach® whose website “Surviving Your Split” helps readers navigate their divorce with less stress and drama, so they can move on with their lives. For your Free Divorce Goddess Recovery Kit, stop by http://survivingyoursplit.com/

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