It all began when I was aged 15. I had already been with the man I mentioned in my book for a year. I was now 15 and I found myself working in a Men’s piano bar. I was working as a food preparer. I took the job to make ends meet for my partner and I. On the first day I stood in the kitchen for the whole of my shift. Being a very busy restaurant, I was unable to take breaks. Throughout the day, little did I know, I was being observed… by my boss. Back when I was at the ripe teenage age of 15 I had supple, rounded, perky breasts, an hour glass figure and looks to die for… you May think of me as being totally up myself saying this… but now, when I look back I was a stunner! Over the period of this one day, my first day at work, I, unknown to me, was being ogled by many men as the food was bought out, they only caught a glimpse of who was serving in the kitchen, but it was enough! The men didn’t see me as a kitchen hand. They saw me as their next piece of meat they were having served on their plates for lunch. Young! Vibrant! Very pretty and maybe potentially an asset to their lunchtime philandering. I saw them flirting with the waitresses. By the way, I did say it was a Men’s piano bar… and yes! The waitresses were topless… After a full day of serving and preparing meals I left to go home. I was patted on the ass with their filthy, dirty hands and undressed mentally by their filthy, dirty minds. I could feel their eyes undressing me. I felt naked as I passed through the tables to head out the door. I was exhausted! When I got home I wasn’t feeling crash hot. I was feeling a little under the weather actually and I decided to head to bed. But then I was awoken by a phone call. It was my boss. He congratulated me on the day I’d just had. He told me I was ‘wasting’ my life in a kitchen!
When I asked him, “What do you mean?” He replied. “A pretty young thing like you should be making the most of what you’ve been given.” As naive as I was at the age of 15, I thought he meant my talents in food and maybe he was saying he’d train me as a chef. But no! That wasn’t what he meant at all. He said “I was watching you! We all were!” I told him “I know!” “I saw you all leering at me every time I handed over a tray to the waitress, I could feel your eyes on me and it made me feel very uneasy.” He said, “ You’re very beautiful.” Innocently I replied, “Thank you”. This phone call wasn’t about my being trained as a chef, he offered me a waitressing job… I looked at my partner lying next to me and said, “What ya reckon honey?” My partner replied “There’s heaps of money to be made in waitressing!” I added “I’d be topless”. He smiled, grabbed my boob and squeezed it. Looked me in the eye and said “Well! You have got great tits”. “I say go for it!” I was scared and disappointed. I returned to my boss on the phone and replied “Sure”, when do I start? He replied,”Hang on a minute”. I waited for what seemed like a lifetime. I thought maybe he’d changed his mind. I thought, oh well if I’m not good enough at least I can prepare food. He returned to the phone and asked “ How about I offer you something a little more beneficial to you both, if it’s money you’re needing, I can offer you something better.” Now I haven’t mentioned this till now but as well as waitresses running around with their breasts bared for all the filthy, dirty, rotten guys to man handle, this men’s bar also had strippers. Yes! Full blown strippers! These women/girls stripped naked for these men to enjoy and goggle at in their lunch breaks. These women/girls were beautiful, much like myself and a couple I’d say could possibly have been around the same age… My boss had other intentions for me. I didn’t know what they were but I decided to go with it so I asked! “What do you have in mind?”
I think I knew. He replied, “How would you like to be trained as a stripper? My heart leapt! It took a dive! I was experiencing mixed emotions, some of joy, some fear, some wonder, but mostly … what came to mind was yes! I could do that! It would hurt all my family and it would destroy my parents. I could do that! My heart leapt. I replied, “I’ll just talk to my partner.” I turned to my guy in my bed and I said, “He wants me to train as a stripper!”. My partner replied, “There’s HEAPS of money to made in stripping and you do have the most gorgeous body! That was it! My life had been planned out, at that moment, I was going to be someone! No longer a no one … wow! I was going to become the best stripper you would ever see on the stage. I knew I was bound for riches! I’d make everyone eat their hats who said I’d never amount to anything. I told my boss, who was eagerly waiting on the phone, “Yes! I’ll take your offer.” “I am so excited”. My guy was doubly excited and I could feel his arousal in my back. Well that was it! My destiny was set in stone. I was going to strip my life through and at that time I truly believed I would become a star! My guy and I had very rough sex that night! It was wonderful! The next morning I awoke, all ready to set off on my new adventure. I began to climb out of bed, I could feel myself very wet. I thought maybe I had actually wet my bed and wasn’t aware of it till now. I threw back the sheets and laughter took over until I saw it!
My bed was covered in blood. It looked like I had almost bled to death on the sheets. I screamed. I began to cry and I wondered if I was being punished. When you grow up in a religious household, this is the very first thing you consider when something goes wrong. I just sat there, in a pool of blood, crying. I didn’t know what to think! I called my guy to come to me, he wasn’t home. He’d already left for the day. I managed to get myself out of my bed, I was so weak, I headed for the shower. I needed to get myself clean. I honestly didn’t know what had happened and I thought to myself, “I’d better call my boss and tell him I won’t be in today”. I rang him. He was angry. Said I was making excuses and that I had already ‘promised him’ I’d be there to begin my training, as a stripper. I tried to explain to him what had happened but he was just yelling at me. “What am I supposed to do now?” He didn’t get it. I didn’t get it! He hung up and I rang the doctor to make an appt. They could hear the fear in my voice and so I was given one immediately. I was so grateful I wouldn’t be waiting. Maybe I could be at work in the arvo?? I dressed. I wasn’t bleeding anymore. It was as if it didn’t really happen. I pinched myself. Nope! Not dreaming! When I arrived at the doctor’s surgery I was being looked at by everyone, or so it felt, all eyes were on me. The lovely lady at the front counter told me she thought she may know what happened but she couldn’t be sure until I’d spoken with the doctor. I was clueless! I was too young to even consider what this meant. I was too young, to know!
After about 10 minutes or so I was feeling quite light headed and a nurse came into the waiting room, took me by the hand and led me to a consulting room. She was the same lady who said she may know what was wrong. I recognised her voice when she spoke. She sat me down and asked me, “Do you have an active sex life?” I just looked at her. I thought to myself, ‘well yeah! If you call really rough sex, active.” I answered her by looking down and saying, “Yes!” And he uses all sorts of things on me.” She looked at me incredulously. She said “I meant are you having sex?” “But OK!” I looked down again and said, “Yes!” She put a gentle finger under my chin and lifted it up. She looked me in the eye and I could see she saw, I was a child. I began to cry. I cannot remember whether or not my guy came with me to the doctors. But I do recall he may have been there at that one, waiting outside. She spoke gently. “I can’t say for sure but I think you may have been pregnant. I looked at her. I replied, “Not possible!”. “I’m not stupid!”, “I’m on the pill!.” She replied, “It doesn’t always work!” I was crying again. I killed my baby! She told me I would have to wait until a couple of tests were run and then we’d know for sure. I was heartbroken. I felt like the biggest cunt of a person. I took a life. The doctor came into the room and I was asked a few questions. Pretty much the same as I had already answered with the nurse.
The doctor did a blood rest, an internal, a couple of other tests, that hurt. He then sat next to me and said “If you we’re pregnant, you’re not now.” That was it! It was confirmed. I was carrying a little baby inside of me when I was working all day on my feet the day before. I should have been an upcoming mother but instead I was planning my life, with my guy, my boss and myself. I was planning to become a stripper. A path which would inevitably lead me to other things. Possibly drugs and alcohol. I was already a user of cannabis, a drinker and a smoker. But I would have been introduced to much harder drugs as I knew most of the strippers I’d met in my young teen hood, whilst learning to roller skate, we’re in fact drug users. I’d be joining the likes of them, in the end, I’d be a junky. I sat in this room listening but not hearing what the doctor had to say. I caught snippets of his conversation he seemingly was having with himself. Something about the rough sex the night before. The all day on my feet. And God’s plan! Yeah! Right! Fucking God’s plan! But that’s what it was. I wasn’t meant to go down that path. I wasn’t meant to become a stripper in a men’s piano bar. I wasn’t meant for a world of drug taking. Excessiveness of all the sins one could muster. So instead I was being told, but the doctor, that I may never, ever conceive again. I was 15. That was the day I decided,or should I say, God decided, to lead me down another path. One in which, instead of being the user, I would become the victim. Instead of having no more children, due to my excessive praying, I would have 6. Lose one and help screw up the lives of the 5 I was blessed with. By not seeing the signs that were there all along. I was meant for so much more. Or was I!
A year passed and when I had turned 16 I was sitting just wondering about my life and where I was heading. Still with the same guy from 14, the one I stole from my frenemy and I was now working in a laundry mat, living with my guy’s family. Fraught with troubles galore and all the while fighting off predators including my own man’s brothers and mates who saw me as easy prey. When all of a sudden a strange feeling came over me. I knew I was pregnant. I knew I had a baby growing inside of me and I knew she would be my biggest challenge. I knew I would keep it. I knew if I didn’t I would or may never get this chance again. I knew I had to be the best mum a child could ask for. I knew I had to not be my mother. It was confirmed. I was indeed quite pregnant! The following eight or so months to follow were also fraught with issues. Problems. Lots of problems and challenges galore. I fought everyone to keep my baby. They all sat around judging me. They would tell me I was a child having a child. I knew I was! But this was my child! This baby I had growing inside of me would be my biggest and best achievement to date. I couldn’t get anything else right so I thought to myself, ‘I’ll get this right!”. I’ll be the bestest mother a woman/young girl can be. I tried! In the end, this story is found in the pages of my books. I succeeded! In becoming the worst yet bestest mother I could ever be. Just like my mum.
So! Did I, in actual fact, go down the exact path that was destined for me? Did I experience, so far, all I was meant to in order for me to teach others from my experiences? Did I lose my first baby in order for me to not pursue that direction, I was certainly heading into darkness. Or did I do exactly as I was mean to? At the exact time I was meant to. Has all my experiences led me to here? Where my destiny appears to be leading now! The goals… the aims… the objectives… the plans… the dreams I now have are bigger than Ben Hur. Is it possible, in the end, that this is where I’m deemed to be, at this time in my life. Whilst I am writing this I am getting goosebumps over my entire body. My face is breaking out in a smile from ear to ear. I know this is my destiny. I know this is where I’m meant to be, with the people around me, my 4 children. One is and always will be estranged. That one is my oldest daughter. The one I fought tooth and nail to keep, against all other’s opinions. I won’t say I’m sorry any time soon. I could have done a lot different and if I knew then what I know now, well, let’s just say… I wouldn’t change a thing! We’re all who we are at the time we are meant to be. The time that seems like it’s the worse is usually the best time. Our futures are all planned out and I for one, am living proof, our destinies are set in stone, the day we are born. My destiny story is one of adventures, adversities, wins and losses… my story is much like many others. This is mine. What’s yours? Thank you for reading 💕