I recall the exact moment in time that anxiety came into my world in a way that completely shocked me and set up a new story line that was to play out for me…
An anxiety attack.
In 2003 I was sitting in my bosses office at work. I was speaking to him about something personal to me, and all of a sudden, for no apparent reason, I started hyperventilating and was unable to speak. Like a giant invisible fist had my whole torso in its clutches and the more I attempted to continue on like I was all good, the tighter it became. In my shock I even spun around to see what was behind me or what was happening…
I had no choice but to stop.
Stop, try desperately to hold back the tears of overwhelm and somehow get myself back together.
I was in shock.
I was embarrassed.
I didn’t know what the hell just happened to me.
I felt a sense of shame at being perceived as weak.
Big ‘tough guy’ just got rolled by some unexplainable invisible shit!
I didn’t actually bring myself to speak about it to anyone until many years later.
At the time all I knew how to get on with it, was to take the edge off and numb it out with alcohol.
Lots of alcohol.
It wasn’t until 5 years later that the wheels fell completely off for me and I simply could not ignore this volatile and relentless inner state any longer.
I had to take myself away from everyone I loved to go about sorting myself out, have a good hard look at myself and my behaviours and deal with this massive underlying issue that was running a major script in my life.
It was either that, or end it.
I had endured a lot of anxiety in my earlier years, not that I could name it or recognise it as that while I was going through it. It just was, and it was a base line of my being that I had to regulate however I could into my adult years.
The more I began to turn inward though, the more meditation I did, the more healing I did, the more INquiry I did, the more layers I found and the more there seemed to be!
I actually felt completely riddled with it. Riddled with anxiety and unease through out my whole being, which had kept me in the cycle of numbing it out – extremely effectively for a lot of years.
There was a LOT to unpack.
There was also a lot to learn. I was frozen by this crippling inner state of being and discovering more about it gave me the new upper hand with it 💫
Over the years I’ve done a lot of work on grounding and core stability, because I was determined to create a life that I could live with contentment as a baseline of being, and be able to handle the waves when they come, which I’ve succeeded at.
Some of the greatest learnings below:
We can’t ‘shake’ or ‘clear’ our anxiety by keeping active, attempting to ignore it or reorienting from it. It just comes with these physical vehicles and getting used to merging with it more and breathing through it, is a very healthy thing to do. Even though its uncomfortable and can take a great amount of trust to do so, it’s very doable and is THE pathway to alot more inner and outer freedom.
There is no frequency on earth that cannot be transmuted through our bellies and bodies, we just have to train the vehicle in a way that builds our inner fortitude and transmutation capacity!
Just like our shadow patterns and wounding as humans, it wants to be understood, acknowledged, felt and OWNED, so we can be more free of it, and with it.
Different styles of breathwork are GREAT medicine. The breath holds a huge key is the navigation of it. Expanding the lungs and our capacity for more breath and room inside.
There are often layers and layers of anxiety within, and the more we slow down, often the more we meet it. It wants to be met and breathed through. The more we can get used to retraining our systems to not reorient and avoid it when it arises, to slow down, the more healthier and happier we’ll be.
I lived with the inability to speak things out with others, maintaining a false sense of pride that had me ‘having it all together’ when the exact opposite was true and I was essentially a big puffed up house of cards, ready to pop or collapse at any moment in time. Knowing now what being able to speak out has done for me, I highly recommend it to ease these tricky inner states of being. Especially for younger people who are making their own way through those often awkward earlier years of life where we are forged into who we will be as adults.
We often carry the emotional maturity of our teenage selves through our adult years if we aren’t fluid in our feelings and emotions in those years…
THE best product, by far, that I’ve ever come across is an ‘EmWave’ machine from the Institute of Heartmath – Check their website, also available on mine. When I came to these potent teachings in 2013, having this machine alone enabled me to create a new kind of transmutation through my heart and vehicle, a monumental one, and a reason why I still carry one with me wherever I roam. With this device – also GREAT for young people – we are able to train our systems to more effectively deal with the deeper layers within.
Felt to share this as we are moving through a MASSIVE collective transit and wave at the moment where the anxiety levels are peaking at an all time high.
I trust it will assist some.