My face was marred with scars. These very scars caused by isolation, shame, and self-hate. And I was trying to hide them from tyranny, for fear that I will be chastised for my pain.
I was dying to be seen. And my scars were just a symbol of my pain — begging to be seen as ok, to be transmuted into light. Instead, I learned to reject and hide my scars, because the people I’ve tried to show them to invalidated my pain.
But no matter how hard I tried to cover up my scars, they were never truly healed. And the universe, nudging me to integrate my wounds, would orchestrate events that trigger those wounds, so I could heal them.
Someone would accidentally touch my wounds, and I would bleed, aching in deep pain. The pain was so deep that I would try to create a new scar so I can feel a-live again, because I was so numb — Numb from the pain I desperately tried to escape from, with no avail.
And when rock bottom hit — a near-death car accident struck and an abusive relationship came to an end at around the same time — I realised that I could no longer abandon myself and my pain. Because my reality mirrored what I was desperately trying to run away from.
So I had a choice — continue to run away from my pain and live in numbness, or dive straight into it. The moment I realised that I’d much rather be a-live and feel my pain (and pleasure), I decided to choose living courageously.
This doesn’t just mean jumping off planes, kitesurfing or surfing (they are all good fun). This also means being courageous with how I am feeling at this moment, which includes my joy and pain.
And when I ventured into my negative emotions, I thought I would only sink — that I would have no idea how or if I could get out — so I resisted. But the more desperately I tried to run away from my emotions, the deeper into the abyss I fell. I had no choice but to surrender to the shadow I’ve been trying to run away from.
Then, I decided to make my pain okay — because it is a part of me that deserves my loving attention. When I let my pain overcome me, I realised that the pain too shall pass, and that I got out of the abyss better than I was before. Through the pain, I came to know myself and my strength.
In order to “transcend” pain, you need to be there for your pain, pain you’ve suppressed for years. And not to make it not ok: It is ok to be in pain. This is the irony.
Just like you offer love and compassion to a wounded animal, you offer the same to yourself. When you acknowledge and realise that you are in pain, you offer unconditional presence to that pain. And you don’t try to make it go away or make it wrong.
Your life now as you see is a projection of your thoughts and vibration, which are an energetic pattern from your childhood, ancestors, and environment. The joy, as well as pain, you have “endured” as you were growing up caused you to want what it is that you want.
By only going for what it is that you want without feeling your pain which is the cause of your desires, you are in essence running away from yourself. This part of you, begging to be seen, would manifest as “negative” outward events calling for your attention.
So, you are manifesting based on your subconscious fears, more so than your conscious thoughts. And in order to obtain what it is that you consciously want, you have to offer the pain unconditional presence.
When pain is seen with presence it transforms. Like a phoenix transforming from the ashes, you can then begin to consciously mould your life from pain. But you can only do so by understanding your pain and offering it unconditional presence.
Otherwise, your pain will act as a tape playing in your subconscious mind begging for your presence and love. And by offering yourself unconditional presence to your pain, you are in essence being present with yourself.
By being present to yourself, you will then realise that the past was the past; you are not afraid of your pain, so you do not have to run away from your pain anymore. And you don’t let your pain dictate your future because you have nothing to run away from.
Your subconscious and your conscious will be aligned in your desires and goals. And you will get what it is that you desire in life.
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