Does it show on your face how it feels to live with the scars of a Head Injury? No, my face is clearer than it was before the trauma, and people say I look even smarter. I score more than most Nepali individuals on a psychological assessment,
But things inside my head are not the same. They have changed permanently and I have learned to live with a new “Me”.
During the initial days of my recovery, I fought with the new “Me” for being so different, for being so insensitive and for being “Not-my-type”.
This dissatisfaction with the “Self” often erupted in the form of anger as my mind always reminded me, “being angry is far more acceptable and braver than being sad”. Yeah, I am blaming the society for making me so strong that crying looks like a crime for me. I don’t want to be a criminal who is weak and is drenched in tears. I have built a new stronger and tough version of me who never cries and who does not give up at any cost.
You may be confused about how many versions do I have or I suffer from Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)? No, I am as clear as water from the Himalayas. I do not have any disease that is considered abnormal, socially or scientifically. I am a smarter person.
As the days passed by, I started to give a space to the new me. Over the last six years, I have transformed myself into a new being, who is madly in love with myself. No, I am not eccentric and senseless, I am still me. Somewhere deep inside the untouched room in my heart, the old me still survives, breathes and sometimes struggles for its identity.
The worst thing about a head injury is that I have to witness a constant fight between the two different, if not opposite, versions of me. This fight sometimes turns ugly when both the versions rule out each other’s existence. Both of these versions are within me and I never know which version takes over the other at an instant of time.
The dilemma of living this life becomes even more evident when I start missing the old “Me”. I am always going to miss the old me who used to be as carefree as a bird just released from the cage. But that old me does not exist anymore, I have to learn to live my whole life with the new me, and this is the reality.
There is no fix and this is another part of the reality which is a little harsh but I cannot do much to change this. Quite often, I get confused if this is what life will be even after five years. This is my biggest fear I confront every day.
Life with a head injury is simply “Wait and Watch”. If Today is good, Tomorrow will definitely be the same if not better.
Life is not over yet, there are many things to cherish; a beautiful smile, a cool breeze, first drop of rain or the warmth of love. Of the many things I love about life, the most important is that life gives everyone a second chance. It’s my second life and I am committed to making it the best possible.
Cheers to Life and in my case, a rare second one.