So, here it goes.
About 2 years ago I found myself oddly in this toxic relationship with a best friend of mine (lets call her Patty). Patty could be the absolute sweetest, more present, helpful, fun and charismatic person ever, but then the very next day she would do something insanely conniving. Then when I would approach her about it, she would twist it in a way that made me feel like I was crazy. Which resulted in me doubting myself, rejecting the doubts I had about her, and getting closer to her again. It was this odd, rigorous cycle.
But that’s not even the end of it. In addition to feeling like I was going crazy sometimes, I began to notice that she would lie all the time for no reason whatsoever. She also could not stand the idea of me being happy with a man (and tried to sabotage that quite a few times). Then the little cherry on top was that she constantly made these underhanded comments to (possibly intentionally, maybe not?) make me feel self-conscious.
Anyway, after a few years of abuse being her friend, I decided to finally run as fast as I could from her. As emotionally draining as this friendship (and breakup) had been for me, there are a few takeaways from that experience that I’ll carry with me for the rest of my life.
When someone shows you their true colors, believe them! As Patty’s friend, I had picked up on things in her character that were questionable quite early in the friendship. However, I kept giving her the benefit of the doubt! For instance, she would completely disrespect me. I would get upset about it, but then she would snap at me for being irritated with her even though I was simply reacting to her disrespect, and then I would be all types of confused and apologize and she wouldn’t. In those moments, I would try to see the best in her and move on. I later realized that she was being manipulative, and it was also something that other people had experienced with her. I learned from this that I need to listen to my gut from the beginning. She was showing her ass in those moments and I should’ve seen it for what it was.
Keep negative energy out. For some reason, every time I hung out with Patty I would walk away feeling lesser of myself because of her underhanded comments. She would make comments about my age, my appearance, my life choices. She’d then inadvertently invoke the idea that she was better than me (and everyone else in the world) in these sly ways. Ever since I dropped her, however, I have had nothing but the most positive, loving people in my life and they all tell me things to make me feel amazing. I have learned from this that when it comes to friends, I am in control of the energy that gets into my space. Are friendships always roses and butterflies? Of course not! But there is a difference between a friend that you can disagree with (or who is having a bad day) but is always coming from a good place, and a friend that simply injects negativity into your life because she does not want you to be happy. Know the difference!
Being fake only lasts for so long. I believe there is so much value in having a surface level relationship with literally anyone. In some instances, the relationship will not go beyond the surface because there are people that I just cannot vibe with, and that’s ok! I find that I have to keep certain relationships no closer than arm’s length because I simply am terrible at faking nice. I respect those who are good at faking it but I’ve observed that those friendships completely crumble in the worst ways in the end. When the vibe is real, its real, and it’s simply not going to happen with everyone.
There are some crazy people in this world. There are going to be people in this would who will want you to fail, who do not want you to be happy, who want you to feel bad about yourself, who don’t wish you well. And sometimes those people are closest to you (and should be promptly removed!). However, I am a firm believer that the good people far outweigh the bad in this world. And even though there are people who don’t necessarily wish you well, it doesn’t matter. Because you’re going to kill it in life regardless!
When someone is not good to you, pity them. Often times, people who like to tear others down to feel better about themselves have deep seeded issues that manifest in projecting the negative feelings that they have about themselves onto others. At the end of the day, you can try to help, you can feel bad for them, but never blame yourself for their problems.
Is anyone else trying to get out of a toxic friendship? Share your thoughts below!
Originally published at melamodalife.com