I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt anxious, worried, trapped, confused, frustrated, alone, and like I’m not enough just because I wasn’t being validated by someone else.
So I totally understand why many of my clients come to me for help because they are feeling the same way. Maybe you’re feeling that way right now.
But when my client’s come to me they usually tell me things like; I want to lose weight, or I want to stop yelling at my kids, or I want to stop overeating or over drinking.
They tell me that when they are feeling anxious, worried, trapped, confused, frustrated and not valued at work they just shut down.
They’re not motivated, they eat more, drink more, and isolate themselves from friends and family because they feel ashamed and guilty for not being able to handle the stress and figure it out on their own.
What I usually discover the cause of their pain and the reason they turn to food, alcohol or some other destructive behavior is, nine-times-out-of-ten, they are cronic people pleasers.
And just like any other chronic disease, people pleasing is really, really bad for your health.
The great news is, there’s a simple and fast remedy for chronic people pleasing that you can incorporate immediately into your daily life to get the relief you so desperately desire.
In today’s article, I am going to teach you why we people please and what to do instead of people pleasing that will have you feeling valued, confident, powerful, organized, and in control of any situation.
Hits of Dopamine
First, let me fill you in on what’s really going on everytime someone gives you a complement, says you’re great, tells you you’re amazing, or ‘validates’ your existence by liking your post on social media…ready for this…
…IT FEELS GOOD!
Everytime someone pays you a complement or hits the ‘like’ button on your social media feed, your brain shoots out hits of dopamine.
Now, I’m not going to get into the science of it and I’m certainly not a doctor but I do have a Masters Degree in Human Resource Management and I’m a Certified Life and Weight Coach.
I’ve been working with humans for over 25 years now and I know enough to know that dopamine is the feel good hormone that we all love to experience.
So when someone tells you you’re great, you get a hit of dopamine and that feels good. Over time your brain starts to depend on those hits of dopamine in order to feel good.
The problem is, once the other person changes their mind about you and no longer thinks you’re great, you stop getting hits of dopamine and believe there’s something wrong with you.
You think if you try harder, give more, do more, sacrifice yourself to please everyone around you, you’ll continue to get those hits of dopamine that your brain so desperately craves.
But actually what ends up happening is, it’s never enough.
You continue to give and give and give, and your brain says I want more and more and more because it does not understand what’s really going on.
So this cycle continues until you’ve worn a neural pathway in your brain so deep you can’t fathom any other way of being other than pleasing everyone else around you to get your fix.
And to top it all off, the days when you’re not getting your dopamine hits from people pleasing, you turn to food, alcohol or some other destructive behavior.
Why?
Because your brain is so used to getting it’s feel good juice from outside sources you have no other recourse but to reach for something external to feel good.
By the end of the day you’re exhausted, frustrated, anxious, worried, confused, out of control, and you go to bed hoping tomorrow is different.
But what if there was another way? What if tomorrow could be different?
What if you could feel just as good if not better without going through all that?
Well, I have great news! There is!
It’s called STOP PEOPLE PLEASING!
I know, I know, you say it’s not that easy Katherine. And you’d be right. It’s not that easy.
But I’m going to teach you how to reprogram your brain and reroute your neural pathway so that you get those hits of dopamine by validating yourself instead of looking to other people to validate you.
Your Relationship With Yourself
Your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you will ever have and it is 100% based on what you think about you.
Do you believe that you are 100% loveable and there is nothing you can do to be more worthy of love?
Do you believe your ability to love yourself or not love yourself is a direct reflection of your choice to love yourself or not?
Do you believe how you treat yourself is a direct reflection of your thoughts about yourself?
I’m here to tell you all three of those statements are 100% true.
You are 100% loveable right now, today, in this moment, just as you are and there is nothing you can do to be more loveable.
You are the object of your love but your lovability depends on your willingness and capacity to love yourself unconditionally.
The queen “B” said it best when she said,
The world will see you the way you see you, and treat you the way you treat yourself. – Beyonce
It sounds so easy but it’s really a difficult thing to do because our brains are conditioned to look for the bad and to judge.
We spend so much brain energy looking for the bad in ourselves and judging ourselves we have very little energy left to love ourselves on purpose.
That’s why we look to other people to validate us and give us our hits of dopamine because we’ve spent all our energy beating ourselves up and judging ourselves.
We are all amazing and society doesn’t do a good enough job of supporting self love.
If I go around saying I’m amazing, people may think I’m bragging or crazy.
But I’m not bragging or crazy, I really am amazing! What’s so wrong with saying it out loud and believing it’s true?
As a matter of fact, we are all amazing and we should spend more time talking about how amazing we are and less time talking about how we aren’t.
So let’s learn to appreciate, talk about, and take responsibility for how amazing we are.
Let’s get to a place where it’s normal to hear people talk about how amazing they are and that not be mistaken for bragging or that someone else isn’t as amazing.
There’s enough amazingness to go around.
There’s an abundance of amazingness.
We can all have our fair share and still have enough for everyone that will be on the earth after us.
And because of this, we can have an amazing relationship with ourselves by loving, encouraging and acknowledging ourselves and no longer need to rely on other people to validate our existence.
It’s so much more fun that the alternative don’t you think?
Want more great tips, tricks, and life hacks? Of course you do!
So come on over to The Happiness Connection. It’s my LinkedIn group created specifically for successful businesswomen in pursuit of true joy and happiness.