It is tough being a girl in this world. I am sensitive. When I am let down, I take it hard. I crumble to the ground. I believe that I have actually heard the sound of my own heart break. I have been unable to pull myself up off the ground for long periods of time. I blame myself for the disappointments. I breathe myself into panic attacks. I pray until I pass out from the exhaustion of begging God to stop the unbearable pain.
I recognize all the abuse I have endured from others that I have allowed in my life too fast. I quickly take a person in at their word. I do this because I keep my word and I expect the same from others. Even though I have been let down time and time again, I still try to believe that it is possible that when someone gives their word it is authentic. Most would say that I am naïve in my thinking, but I refuse to allow this world to make me bitter.
There are times when I cry uncontrollably in the dark. I struggle letting others’ actions get the best of me. It is awful to admit this, but unkind words or unexpected disappointment can easily knock me off my feet. Although I use the façade of being strong and okay to the world, in the dark I can let myself fall apart. I wonder, “Why doesn’t he miss me?” “Why do I care so much?”
The hard, awful truth is that I am a people pleaser. I will go as far as holding my breath if I think it will make those around me more comfortable. I thought I had it resolved until recently when my heart was broken. I believed this time I would not be able to pick myself up again like before. I realized that my people pleasing tendencies were hurting me in a way that was not readily obvious to me until the aftermath.
I made myself available to this person to the extent of developing a form of insomnia I had never known. I blamed the anxiety on my insecurities, so I wouldn’t speak up when I felt neglected. It really hit me when I remembered a moment when I accidentally closed his vehicle door on my hand. Instead of screaming in pain, I kept the agonizing pain to myself because he seemed like he was stressed out and I didn’t want him to have to worry about me.
I did not have the nerve to tell him how I was feeling because I was afraid of him leaving. I struggled because he treated me well when he was present, so I felt like it was not right for me to talk about my anxiety due to feeling overlooked by him.
And furthermore, because I really cared for this person, I chose to continue living this way. That is until he chose to end the relationship. Rather than take the advice of the amazing Ice Cube, “Bye Felicia!”, and “walk my fine ass out the door” shout out to Lizzo, I had the audacity to ask him not to end the relationship. Enter now: my dark sense of humor in the midst of the storm… Of course, that did not work, and I wound up alone in the dark crying my eyes out.
I began down the spiral of destruction in believing that there was something wrong with me. This belief took a toll not only on my mental health, but my physical body took a hit as well. I would have continued down this road, but I was reminded that I do have people in my life that care about me.
I have people in my life that know when I am hurt even when I try to put a brave face on. I have a sister who stayed on the phone with me the whole night just so I didn’t feel alone. I have a great friend who got me out of the house to browse books and drink coffee. Another sister who wanted to fly in just to make sure I was okay. Yet another friend who spent an entire day at the park with me just to listen to me and make sure I was getting some sun. And furthermore, another sister who just listened while I cried.
And although the wound is still fresh and I am struggling, I was able to recognize and truly understand God’s divine providence. This relationship ended because I would have never ended it on my own, therefore, what I was not able to do on my own God did for me through His provision.
Upon reflection of this experience, I recognized that it had nothing to do with the person I shared the relationship with, but rather me not speaking up for myself and a lifetime with a pattern of this behavior. I discovered that my fear of abandonment and loneliness was causing me to accept less than what I deserved.
In this discovery I found that when I am tolerant to less than acceptable behavior, I am a walking ball of anxiety and the person I truly I am is hidden, which is a travesty.
I started this thought with how I appear at my lowest, but that is only a little part of me. Who am I? I am a terrible dancer, but I love to turn up the music and dance and lip sync to powerful women like Mariah, Whitney, Madonna, Britney, Christina, and Beyoncé. When a book is too scary, I believe I am safe when I put it in the freezer. I like to eat butter with a spoon and tell myself the calories don’t count if it’s straight out of the container. I am the ultimate chocoholic and will add chocolate syrup to Ben and Jerry’s Peanut Butter Fudge Core. I truly enjoy spending time with my girlfriends and gossiping like we are still in middle school. I love to run long distance and when a white cotton-tailed bunny crosses my path, I believe that it’s God sending me a reason to smile. And although I have had my heart broken to the point of where I have felt there was no return because of unexpected deaths, abandonment, and atrocious behaviors, I know that I have a Savior that will always catch me, and it will be okay.
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