It has been three years since Peter died suddenly in my arms. It has been three long and interminable years of grief, ever fighting to swim to the surface to get a breather of joy. Unquestionably, things are better. I am finding joy in small ways and I witness my progress through my blogs, clucking in praise for the positive distance I have traversed through the valley of heart ache.
But at three years I was thinking of all the little things I miss about being married and on the occasion of the third marker date of Peter’s death, I thought I would vent all the things I yearn to have back again just for a few minutes. Please forgive me for taking a few steps in reverse, but sometimes, you just have to let the feelings of frustration out into the stratosphere!!!
· I miss having a companion with whom to dine. Netflix, Amazon, and Acorn are my dining companions and, I might add, not great dinner conversationalists.
· I miss having my best friend to share news, either good or bad. My friends help, but Peter was wise and smart, and also a child at heart, which made life so damned entertaining!
· I miss the security of unconditional love. I don’t think I will ever be able to replace this kind of long term love. Who else will tell me I look beautiful, even with my bed head in the morning?
· I miss him holding my head when I had a stomach virus and telling me the cold tile was not a place to rest despite my protestations to the contrary.
· I miss him salivating over a good steak and turning his nose down whenever I cooked fish at home.
· I miss him turning green when I served green veggies.
· I would give anything to see the piles of papers on his desk in a system I could never understand. I would also love to envision the piles of sweaters or shirts in his closet and inhale the scent of him.
· I know he would have thought it was cool to get a tattoo!
· I miss watching television together and hearing him snoring, and then nudging him awake. I might add this was a process that repeated itself many times a night.
· I miss intimacy and cuddling. Who wouldn’t?
· I miss being a couple. I watch couples on the street hand in hand and I sob a little on the inside. I rue that I took this state of bliss for granted.
· I hate that I am the only one to remember our history even though Peter could never remember anyone’s name!
· I hate that I have to form new memories without him.
· I miss him when I go to a family wedding and he is not standing beside me, holding my hand and taking pleasure seeing the happiness in the room.
· I hate that Peter is missing out on seeing his precious grandchildren grow like weeds and becoming the stellar human beings he would have been bragging about uncontrollably.
· I hate having to find a new identity. I am a mother, grandmother, and yes, a widow, but no longer a wife. Oh, how I miss being Peter’s wife!
· I miss hanging out on weekends and relaxing with Peter. I miss dragging him on walks, dangling the carrot of a meal to encourage him to exercise. I even miss the few extra pounds around his middle.
· I miss the silly love notes he used to leave under the covers of my side of the bed.
· I miss his sense of humor and his uncanny ability to be happy through even the toughest of times.
· I miss being with a partner because being alone is tough.
· I hate dating.
The anguish and pain of widowhood knocks you sideways with the realization that you no longer belong with your soulmate. Not belonging to someone allows you to conjure up sickening feelings of disenfranchisement and abandonment. But then, after venting all your losses, you power on and appreciate that you do still belong and are part of your family unit and your close friends’ network. You still feel adrift and off course, but you know that despite the loss of your best friend, you still belong to the community of man. So, I end with a few lines from a song from my father, Abe Burrows’ show How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying:
“There is a brotherhood of man
A benevolent brotherhood of man
A noble tie that binds
All human hearts and minds
Into one brotherhood of man
Your life long membership is free
Keep a-giving each brother all you can
Oh, aren’t you proud to be in that fraternity
The great big brotherhood of man?”
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