I feel a little overwhelmed and down today. Must be something to do with the fact that our landlord told us we have to move before the end of this year. One of his sons has decided to move back home to the old family house and start a family with his girlfriend/fiancée.
There seems to be so much upheaval in our lives at the moment, what with me studying to become an NLP Coaching Practitioner, training for my half marathon in Amsterdam, coaching people on a Monday and Tuesday and then there´s work, we´re self-employed. A form of security or insecurity depending on how you look at it.
The first thing we experienced was shock and disbelief and then the finality of it sank in and then we started to see the positive sides of living where we are, or rather were living.
To be honest, I´m glad we´re being made homeless and insecure because where we are at the moment is awful. We freeze in winter because the house has no insulation and the boiler needs to be renewed, there´s mould and damp which should have been sorted out and we´ve asked so often that we´ve given up. That´s part of the problem being self-employed, finding the time to go and complain to the right people and sort things out.
I say “had” been living because once that decision was made, I also stopped to “live” in it in my head and at this point in time, I merely reside here until I move because it is no longer my or our home, nor is it secure anymore. Right at the beginning we were really keen to put our stamp on it and make it “ours” until we found out about all these disadvantages, that´s when we slowly started to give up, that and the reality of not having enough time or money to always make changes.
If you´re lucky enough to buy somewhere, it feels great to own your own place. You can finally put roots down and life starts to feel secure. You have a foundation where you can grow from, where you can have a family and pets. That´s how I felt about 30 years ago when I got a mortgage to buy my own place as a single mother of one. You start to think that everything is permanent and secure. There is no such word.
It´s so unsettling watching pieces of furniture disappear out of the front door to be stored in the pottery barn we rent. Being self-employed we have the luxury of some storage space upstairs, thank goodness. Books having to be packed, not knowing how long it is going to take before I see them again. Choosing which ones need to stay here in my office cum bedroom so I can still research and do my coaching. Wondering how long it´s going to take before we find a new place to live. Wondering if life will be secure again, if it ever was. 📦📦
Are our feelings of security or insecurity reliant on our living conditions or is there more to it than that? For me, I know I have a feeling of security and peace within me when I feel an inner calmness and am aligned with myself, with my values and who I stand for, how I help others and give them tangible results when I coach them. I know I am changing, transforming their lives from the inside out by aiding them, by helping them to find and use to their advantage, the right tools, resources and knowledge to make their live better, that makes me feel secure.
We are taught by society to be consumerist and buy a house or flat, a car or any other material goods, but are they a security? Do we feel better when we own them? What do you think, surely it´s better to be sure of self, to have an inner sense of knowing you have a wealth of knowledge and intuition which you command and can draw from rather than being steered by outside influences? I know which I prefer.